


Youth of Agnes

by Goober826



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ADHD Characters, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Blood and Gore, DONNA AND JODY ARENT COPS ANYMORE ITS OK, Dean Winchester Has ADHD, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, LOTS of dean whump, M/M, Sleepwalking, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting, adhd friendly formatting, autistic characters, bela talbot is a demon now yes im bringing her back as a side plot im in love with her, ben doesnt remember dean, ben is a baby hunter trying to get revenge, cas will eventually get saved from the empty i swear i swear, claire jack and ben are chaotic siblings, claire novak has adhd, dean is a father of three, ill update the tags as i go, jack is still god but not really hes also just a fucking 3 year old, sam is literally going to explode, so basically? theyre famnily :), trans kaia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 29,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28078047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goober826/pseuds/Goober826
Summary: "Boy, when I left you, you were young I was gone, but not my love. You were clearly meant for more, Than a life lost in the war...Fly. Feel your mother at your side, Don't you know you got my eyes, I'll make you fly. You'll be happy all the time. I know you can make it right"Ben Braeden is a 22-year-old college student who wants nothing more than to drop out, hunt monsters, and find out who his dad is- thinking it might recover certain holes in his memories that buzz like static through his mind when he remembers anything related to them. He knows there's something there, but he doesn't realize that getting what he asks for might hurt more than he'd think.-----"I want to hold you like you're mine. You're gone but you're on my mind, I'm lost but I don't know why"Dean Winchester is at his limit- he lost Cas just after the angel admitted his feelings for him, and he never got to say anything back. After a hunt that he expected to die on, he's left to rot away with a messed up ankle, and now a loss in his life that he didn't expect. Now experiencing weird dreams and reconnecting with his son who doesn't remember him, he's left with one solution that he's scared of: find Cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Donna Hanscum/Jody Mills, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, Kaia Nieves/Claire Novak
Comments: 40
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! it's been awhile since I've written SPN. Last time I did this, I wrote a 60k fic about demon dean at 15 years old. So here I am nearly four years later ready to write an idea I've had for a VERY long time, and shape it around as a fix-it fic for what the finale left us. 
> 
> I've got quite a bit of this written out already, so I'm excited to start posting and write more! PLEASE tell me if you like it in the comments :>

It was December, winter break, and he was home for the holidays. 

He hated college more than  _ anything,  _ but his mom wanted him to get at LEAST a bachelor's degree...and it wasn't  _ all  _ bad. Plenty of weed and women, right? 

And he loved his mom, but there was one thing no one knew about Ben Braeden. 

He hunted monsters! 

...well, he  _ studied _ monsters, but same difference! 

There was something in his brain- since that car accident he got into with his mom…and it told him monsters were real. 

Some nights felt like he unlocked secret memories, flashes of black eyes, and being told about salt and sigils. The feeling of holding a gun in his hand each time he practiced at the shooting range. 

He wanted more, but he could never find where to start. 

Something just  _ told  _ him that he was meant for it, though. Meant to hunt monsters and save people. It ran in his blood. 

Which was why he wanted to find his dad, too. 

Yeah, childish, but whatever. He hadn't been curious until he started to notice weird holes in his memories- forcefully blocked out by his mind like a burnt photograph. Ones he didn't understand but he knew he needed to. 

His mom never believed him when he said he needed to find those memories, and find his dad. He knew she was scared, because she had the same thoughts, too. 

  
  


It wasn't until he was doing deep diving in his room last year that he discovered a case- multiple people found dead in his city, with their throats torn out by  _ teeth.  _

This was it. It  _ had  _ to be a monster. 

When he went to investigate, he posed as an interviewer at the morgue for a newspaper...it just  _ felt right  _ to do. 

Which was why he felt a  _ jolt of fear  _ at the sight of an  _ FBI agent.  _

She was pretty, curly, blonde hair...soft face, and layers upon layers of eyeliner. She wasn't really his  _ type,  _ but she knew style. 

He couldn't help but feel suspicious at the questions she was asking, though 

“All these victims, they were tied up, yes?” 

“Y-yes...the bruising on their wrists indicates a sign of being tied up.” 

The girl snapped her gum. “Any teeth found in the skin?” 

“N...no. Aren't you a little young to be an FBI agent?” 

“You flatter me.” The blond winked at her. “Anything else of note?”

“N-no.” 

“Thanks very much!” She snapped her gum again, and like that, she tucked out of the morgue. 

Bens curiosity was  _ never higher.  _

Once he followed her outside, he ganged up. 

“Hey,  _ girl!”  _

She turned around and glared at him, looking him up and down. She then gave a chuckle. 

“Oh honey, I don't swing that way.” 

“Wh- im not-“ Ben blinked. “In the morgue, why were you asking questions like that?” 

She blinked, and let out a laugh. 

“Son, you shouldn't be asking shit like that to an FBI agent.” 

“You don't look FBI.” 

She rolled her eyes, reaching inside her coat and taking out her badge- showing it to him. 

...looked legit. 

“Could be fake.” 

“Kid, what do you  _ want.”  _

“Hey! I'm probably older than you!” 

“How old are you?” 

“21.” 

“Nice try. I'm about to turn 22.” 

“HAH!” Ben perked up. “YOU'RE FAKING IT! FBI AGENTS NEED TO BE  _ 23!”  _

The girl's eyes widened, and she looked around wildly before walking towards him. 

“Shut up!” 

“Not until you tell me why you were asking those questions!” 

Then they just stared at each other. 

“...how'd you get here, kid?” 

“Uber, and stop calling me kid.” 

She took a pair of keys out of her pocket. 

“Come with me.” 

“What?” 

_ “Come with me if you want to live  _ just do it you doofus.” 

She strode over to the front of her truck, popping open the driver's seat. Ben assumed he was meant to go in the passengers, so he hopped in, and they both shut their respective doors. 

She rustled through the glove box where he was sitting and pulled out a flask and a shot glass. Before he could say anything, she was pouring some out and handed him the glass. 

“Take a fuckin sip.” 

Ben's eyebrows went up. “It's only 2 pm.” 

“Just down it, idiot.” 

Ben stared at her and knocked it back. 

...it was just water. 

“...what was the point of that?” 

“It's a test.” She trifled through the glovebox some more, grabbing a silver necklace. “Hold this.” 

“Okay.” 

He did. She nodded when nothing bad happened, and swiped the necklace away. 

“Cool. One more thing.” She took out a small bottle of what smelled like soap. “Hold out your hands.” 

“Okay?” 

She squirted some... _ borax  _ in his hands. 

“Hmm, gross!” 

“Okay, you're cool.” She closed the glovebox and turned the key in the car. Ben sat there holding borax still. “Let's roll.” 

“Who the hell  _ are _ you?” 

“Novak, Claire Novak. And if you turn out to be a cop, I'll be having pig roast for dinner.” 

Ben was...still holding the borax in his hands. “I'd never be a cop.” 

“Keep it that way.” She pulled out from the side of the road, now driving through the street. “You a hunter?” 

“Hunter?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Uhh…” he clicked his tongue. “I shot a bird on accident with my bb gun...we took it to the vet, though, and it's fine.” 

And Claire, the mother fucker, started  _ laughing.  _

“So let me get this straight-'' she shook her head, focusing on the road. “You knew my questions were off, but you aren't a hunter?” 

Ben blinked. “What do you mean?” 

Claire turned to smirk at him at a red light. 

“I'm hunting vampires.” 

  
  


Since then, Ben has been busting his  _ ass  _ trying to study up and train. He wanted to kill monsters, he knew it was his destiny. 

No matter how much Claire said it would ruin his life. That may be so, but he knew it would also give it  _ purpose.  _

So here he was- 22 and busting his ass on another book about monsters. It was nearly Christmas, and his favorite thing to do was sit by the fire with another lore book while his mom brought them both hot cocoa. 

“So what's the monster of the week, hmm?” She spoke as she set down his mug. Ben smiled back up at her. 

“Demons- their lore kinda varies the most.” He looked back down at his book, turning a page. “I want to be precise with my knowledge.” 

His mother let out a laugh, ruffling his hair. 

“Whatever you say!” She smiled, walking over and sitting down on the recliner. “I remember when I bought you your comics about Cthulhu.” 

“Yeah?” Ben laughed. She sighed lovingly. 

“You had to be around 10 at the time- me and…” she trailed off, her eyes glazing over for a second. “I was at a comic store asking what was hot with the kids, and the guy pointed me towards Cthulhu.” 

“Good choice, then,” Ben nodded. “He guessed well.” 

“Yeah, he did.” 

This was something frequent between them, they would trail off, suggesting an absent figure in their life, before quickly brushing it off. His mom pretended to not at all be bothered, but Ben was. 

“Hey, mom?” 

“Hm?” 

“Have we ever tried to get me a DNA test?” 

She eyed him.  _ “You  _ get a DNA test if you want, I'm not gonna bother.” 

“Why not?” He furrowed his brows. “Don't you want to know?” 

“Know what?” 

“Who my dad is?” 

She looked back at her mug of cocoa, silent for a moment. 

“...Ben, I raised you by myself. I don't need to find out who to blame for it because I never minded it for a second.” 

“But aren't you curious!?” Ben sat up, now, furrowing his brows. “It's my  _ dad!”  _

“Whoever it  _ is  _ obviously  _ isn't  _ a father, because he didn't do  _ jack  _ to raise you!” 

“Maybe he doesn't know!” 

“So you want to bombard his life telling him you're his son!?”

“Yes!”

Ben stood up, laying his book face down and staring at his mother. 

“Because  _ I  _ deserve to know!” He hunched his shoulders. “You may be able to forget about some  _ one night stand,  _ but it's what  _ made me!”  _

She flinched, and Ben realized he was being too harsh. 

“... I'm just gonna go read in my room, okay?” 

She had her hand cupped over her mouth. 

“Okay, Ben.” 

Feeling guilt boil over, he grabbed his book and stormed upstairs. 

Okay, yeah, he felt like shit, but he was  _ right.  _

…

Claire chewed at the cap of her pen, blinking down at the paper splayed out in front of her. 

A list of notes- cattle deaths, sudden disappearances...slit throats. All signs of demons in Cicero, Indiana. 

She rubbed at her temples. This would take backup, which was exactly why she was at the bunker. 

That, and she...was kinda worried about Dean. 

It wasn't until she felt familiar, soft hands on her shoulders that a small laugh rumbled in her chest. 

“You're overworking yourself, Claire.” 

She looked up to see her face, a smile placed on it and curls falling over her sleepy eyes. 

“Well, then why don't you distract me, Kaia?” 

Kaia let out a laugh, laying her arms over Claire's shoulders and resting her chin on the top of her blonde little head. 

“Cause I'm tired of you complaining while we kiss.” 

“How can I complain when my mouth is on yours?” 

“Cause you don't shut up.” Kaia sighed dreamily. Claire let out a row of cackles. 

“You're a dickhead, you know that?” 

“I'm aware.” Kaia kissed the top of Claire's head. 

There were footsteps, and the two looked over to see Jack. 

He put on a smile, sharply raising his hand up in greeting like he always did. 

“Hello!” 

“Heyy Jack.” Claire smirked at her brother. It was weird at first, the guy who was technically her brother was god, but once she got to know him, he was simply a weird little kid in an oversized body who desperately pretended not to have the ability to shatter the universe. 

“Sup.” Kaia finger gunned. “You and Sam bring back McDonald's?” 

“No,” said a bigger, rougher voice as the absolute  _ giant moose  _ of a Sam Winchester entered the library. “But we brought salad.” 

Claire tilted her head back, Kaia backing up as she let out the biggest, most teenage-girl-esq groan she could muster. Sam simply replied with a laugh. 

“Don't worry, I have ranch.” 

“You're  _ obnoxious.”  _

“Im  _ healthy.”  _

Kaia sat down next to Claire at the table, and Sam set down the bags of food as Jack also took a seat. 

Sam grabbed one of the boxes, clearing his throat a bit as he backed up from the table. 

“Gonna go give this to Dean.” 

Right...Dean. 

Claire was worried about him. According to Sam, he was just getting worse. 

When Claire heard about how Cas died, she felt more devastated than she thought- and even more than she would like to admit. 

It wasn't like when her mother died...no, that was different. That was a foreign feeling, she already killed off her mom in her mind after she left her to rot. 

No, this felt more like when her father disappeared. 

Castiel was never a replacement for her father, but he was certainly a father figure- just like Dean. So she was grieving, too. She couldn't imagine the pain Dean was going through. 

They were…”best friends” as they put it, but everyone knew it was more than that. No one said it out loud, but everyone knew the way they looked at each other was special. 

Even if they were not romantic, they were joined at the soul. 

Claire first lost Kaia when they barely knew each other and it broke her. 

She can't imagine what it would be like to lose her now, and they've only been dating for 3 months. 

Sam trudged off into the catacombs of the bunker, and Jack looked at Claire from across the table. 

“So! What'd you find?” Claire tried not to smile at the way he said  _ so,  _ it was alike to Sam and Dean. 

She cleared her throat, looking through her notes again. 

“Cattle deaths, missing people, and two dead bodies found with their throats slit.” She clicked her pen against the table, laughing a bit as Kaia reached over her to grab her salad. “You know what that adds up to?” 

“Um,” Jack furrowed his brows a bit. “Sam and Dean told me they've had cases where Cattle get their blood drinken by vampires.” 

Claire shook her head. “Demons, Jack.” She splayed out her hands on the table, grinning. “Dude, you're  _ literally  _ god, how do you not know this?” 

Jack blinked. “I don't like cheating.” 

Kaia shrugged as she focused on her salad as she poured ranch on it. “Nothing wrong with it once in a while, that's how I got through school.” 

“Sam says that's bad.” 

“Sam is a nerd who doesn't have ADHD like me or Kaia.” Claire snatched the ranch bottle from her girlfriend. “Don't use it all! I want some too.” 

“You're gonna  _ drown  _ your salad.” 

“Soup!” Claire smirked, opening the bottle and letting fucking  _ loose.  _

Jack stared. “Isn't that unhealthy?” 

“Alex says that we still get nutrients- there's no such thing as reversing it. We still get the same health from salad, we’re just adding other stuff.” Claire retorted. Jack nodded. 

“That makes sense! Can I have some after you?” 

Claire finished drenching her salad until it was  _ floating,  _ and handed it to Jack. 

“Knock yourself out.” 

Jack smiled and copied  _ exactly  _ what Claire did. 

And with that, the ranch bottle was empty. 

Claire started laughing. “Ohhohooo… Sams gonna be pissed.” 

Kaia snorted. “Serves him right for getting us  _ salad.”  _

Jack was shoveling the salad into his mouth, eyes lit up. 

“It's good!” 

“Exactly!” Claire pointed at him with her fork and started digging into her own. 

Sam walked back into the room and froze in place. 

“...what the hell happened to all the ranch?” 

Jack looked at him. 

“Soup!” 

…

Nothing but his pounding heart, and a cold chill in the air. 

The only thing he could see was blue, misty eyes that shone with a feeling he dare not mention. 

“I love you.” 

He felt his jaws catch on fire as he locked them, his heart stopping. 

“Cas-“ 

“Goodbye, Dean.” 

With that, he was thrown to the side, and he watched the empty take him. 

Once he was gone, Dean let out a guttural scream. 

_ “CAS!”  _

No answer. 

Nothing but empty. 

**_“CAS!!”_ **

Dean shot awake, seeing Sam in his doorway. 

“H-“ he blinked. “Hey- are you...okay?” 

Dean realized he was sitting up, drenched in sweat, and groaned, rubbing at his eyes. 

“Mmhmm.” 

“Are you...sober?” 

“Barely.” 

He didn't look to see what face Sam was pulling. He knew it would be disapproval. 

“Well, I-I, uh, Jack and I brought you dinner.”

He set down the plastic container on Dean's bed, who scowled up at him. 

“Salad?” 

“I-“ Sam shrugged. “Dean I'm gonna keep giving you salad until you get up and make your own greasy food.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. He wanted to argue  _ im hurt, Sammy,  _ but he knew that wasn't true anymore. 

The hunting accident with those vampire mime things fucked him up pretty bad- broke his ankle, by avoiding a nail in the barn and letting the masked asshole step on him as he tripped, but that was two months ago. 

He had a brace on his ankle now, nothing more. He was healing fine but he didn't want to leave his room. 

Next to him, Miracle sat up, sniffing at his meal, and shaking out his fur in disappointment. Dean laughed a bit. 

“Yeah, me too, buddy.” 

Sam stood there, and Dean eyed him for a moment before clearing his throat. 

“Thanks for bringing this to me,” he muttered. Louder, he then said, “How're the girls doing?” 

“Claire and Kaia are reviewing notes right now as they eat.” Sam toyed with the door handle. “They could use your help, you know.” 

Dean was quiet for a moment. 

“I'll go out after I eat.” 

“Really?” Sam perked up, actually surprised. 

“Yeah, and if you say a word more about it I'm shoving a burger in your mouth as you sleep.” 

Sam laughed. “Okay, uh, well,” he pursed his lips a bit. “I better go make sure the kids aren't...yeah.” 

With that, he was gone. 

…

Ben heard a knock on his door and perked up a bit. 

He cleared his throat after swallowing the lump in it. 

“Come in.” 

His mother entered the room, and they eyed each other for a moment. 

Neither of them ever really got into fights- when they did, both of them felt overbearing guilt. 

She walked in, sitting down on the bed and sighing softly. 

“Look, Ben,” 

“I'm sorry for being a dick to you.” Ben interrupted, looking at his book. He wasn't reading the words. “I didn't mean to, I just…” 

There was silence for a moment, and his mom shrugged. 

“No, you were right.” She spoke. “...tell you what, Friday I don't have work. We can go get a DNA test then, okay?” 

Ben snapped his attention to her, eyes wide. 

“Really?” 

“Sure.” She shrugged, smiling. “I care about you, and I want you to know that. I may be afraid of what to find, but this is your issue, too.” 

Ben smiled back at her. “Alright, thanks.” 

She wrapped her arm around his shoulders, holding him close. 

“Of course. Anything for my little boy.” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the midst of their road trip to investigate the demonic, Dean gets weird dreams. Even weirder, they kinda seem to effect real life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Goob dont post a new chapter at 4 AM" WATCH ME

“For the last time, Jack, if you make the radio play Taylor Swift again I'm going to  _ pluck your wings.”  _

The population within the impala was barely holding itself together- Kaia and Claire leaning back and laughing to themselves as Jack sat to the left of them, directly behind the passenger's seat- where Sam was covering his smile with his iPad. Dean's brows were furrowed, and he was desperately trying to be mad as he listened to his Led Zeppelin deck. 

After a few moments went by, it glitched out and proceeded to play more obnoxious tunes. 

_ “the haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate, I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake sh-“  _

_ “DAMMIT JACK!” _

Then the impala fucking  _ exploded  _ with laughter. 

Jack may not know social cues like everyone else, but god he was fucking hilarious sometimes. 

Was it annoying? Absolutely. Was it ruining his fucking great tunes? Totally. But he'd be lying if he said Dean wasn't biting his tongue trying not to laugh. 

“Okay, so,” Sam finally cleared his throat. “We should be in Indiana by Wednesday night.” 

“What?” Dean glared. Sam shrugged. 

“It's what the GPS says,” 

“Is the computer accounting for bathroom breaks? Food? Motels?” 

“Dean, I've been doing this just as long as you, it doesn't seem  _ unreasonable.”  _

“We have three kids in the back!” 

“So?” 

_ “So,  _ we can't really sleep in the impala, can we?” 

“I don't mind,” Claire shrugged. “And Kaia doesn't sleep.” 

“Blame insomnia.” Kaia shrugged. “Not the girl with the classical conditioning against sleep.” 

“I don't need to sleep!” Jack perked up. 

“Jack I'm literally not allowing you to talk until you change my music back.” 

Led Zeppelin came back on, and Jack spoke in the exact same tone of voice again. 

“I don't need to sleep!” 

“Thought you said you didn't like cheating” Claire smirked. Jack blinked at her with big eyes. 

“I'm three years old, I'm supposed to be rebellious!” 

“Three-year-olds also need a LOT of sleep.” Kaia shrugged. 

Jack frowned, and Dean chuckled to himself. 

“Tell you what, let's just drive until we hit town tonight, and go to the nearest motel.” Dean eyed the rearview mirror. “You two girls gonna pay for your own room? Cause I'm not paying for you two to-“ 

“Oh my god shut UUUUP!!” Claire smacked at Dean’s seat, who chuckled to himself. “Probably not, so you're stuck with us.” 

“Oooh, whatcha savin up for, Claire?” Dean hummed. Claire tilted her head, smirking. 

“None of your damn business.” 

Jack suddenly spoke up. “Will we be home for Christmas?” 

Sam looked behind him towards the kid. 

“You wanna celebrate it this year?” 

“I wanna celebrate it every year!” He chirped. “I miss it.” 

They were quiet for a moment, and Dean cleared his throat. 

“Sure, kid. We’ll probably be home by then.” 

“You guys could go to Jody’s.” Claire offered. “She'd love to have you three.” 

“Sounds great!” Sam scrolled through his iPad. “We’ll try to be there, right Dean?” 

Dean stared at the road. 

“...uh- yeah, sure. we’ll try.” 

…

After getting ice, Dean came back into the motel room to a discussion he barely understood. 

“Sam, what we're  _ saying  _ is that sometimes you can be a  _ woman  _ without really  _ being  _ one.” 

“Sooo...nonbinary.” 

“Yes, but still a lesbian.” 

He looked between Claire and Sam. 

“What?” 

The rest of the folk in the motel room looked at him. 

“We’re talking about gender!” Jack shrugged. 

“Again?” 

“Yup!” Claire sipped at her bottle of beer. “Wanna talk about it with us, or are you still a repressed boomer?” 

“I'm not a  _ boomer,”  _ Dean rolled his eyes. “And I’d gladly shoot a transphobe.” 

“Yes, but have you ever thought about your  _ own  _ gender?” 

Static buzzed through Dean's mind. “Why?” 

“It's fun.” Kaia shrugged. “Nothing wrong with experimenting. You might like it. How do you think I found out I'm a girl?” 

“Yeah, Sam says he’s okay with any pronouns, right Sam?” 

Sam shrugged, looking at Dean. “I just don't really care.” 

“I don't have a gender!” Jack smiled. 

“Cheers to that, bro,” Claire laughed. 

Dean blinked. “Wait, do you both want me to use different pronouns for you?” 

“Jacks okay with any, I'm she/they.” Claire sipped at her beer again. 

“Oh,” Dean blinked. “Okay.” 

“So you wanna talk about  _ your  _ gender? Or are you a cissy?” 

“What I am is  _ tired.”  _ Dean took off his coat. “And you all should be, too. Cmon, it's 1 AM and we’re gonna head out at 6 tomorrow.” 

“You're no fun.” Claire sighed. 

…

Ben was barely able to sleep. 

1 AM, and he was reading about cattle death. 

He read in his book that cattle death was a sign of demons, maybe demons were in his town? 

Besides that, he was also busy thinking about the DNA test. 

What would he do when he found out who it was? Track him down, grab a coffee? Email him? Would his dad  _ have an email _ ? 

What would he do after? Catch up? Talk about stuff? It's not like the man would throw a ball back and forth with a stranger- not to mention they'd  _ never  _ be better than his mom was at it. Unless it was…

There it is. The static again. 

He felt like they were connected- his missing father and the static void in his life. They pulled on the same string in his heart. 

He missed the man he's never met. 

He shook his head, and grabbed his demon book, flipping to a page that talked about holy water and how to make it. 

…

Dean woke up in the motel room, but something was  _ Off.  _ Maybe it was the lighting, or the way everything felt tilted, or the way his blanket seemed to move on its own. He blinked, and when he opened his eyes, he saw a familiar figure sitting on the front of his bed. 

Trenchcoat and all. 

Dean sat up, heart racing. He felt nauseous. 

“Cas!?” 

He noticed Sam, Claire, Kaia, and Jack were completely motionless- the dust particles shining in from the blue sunlight outside was completely still. 

The only thing that moved in the room was Cas. 

When he turned his head to him, his face was nothing but static. 

“Dean,” 

“Cas-“ 

_ “Dean!”  _

Dean jolted awake, Sam by his bed. 

He was staring at him with wide eyes, and Dean grumbled a bit, rubbing at his face. 

“What time is it?” 

“Nearly 6, you slept past the alarm.” 

“Hm?” Dean looked over at the clock. “...that's not really like me.” 

“Yeah, why do you think I woke you?” Sam sighed. “Are you sick?” 

Dean  _ did  _ feel nauseous, but not  _ sick.  _

“No?” 

“Kay, uh,” Sam swallowed. “Good. Kaia and Jack are getting ice for the cooler- Claire is waiting out by the car. Why don't you go wake up out there while I make sure we didn't leave anything?” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Fine.” 

Sam laughed a bit. “There's a cup of coffee on the table for you.” 

Dean got out of bed quicker than before. 

…

When he walked out to the car, Claire was, indeed, standing out there, drinking some coffee too. 

“Morning, Champ.” She smirked into her cup. Dean rolled his eyes. 

“Morning to you too, princess.” 

He walked over and leaned against the car like her. 

There was a moment of comfortable silence before Claire broke it. 

“How're you holding up?” 

Dean blinked. “Uh- fine. Ankle gets a bit sore like my shoulder does now when it's cold but other than that-“ 

“That's not what I mean.” Claire looked straight ahead. “I know the face of someone having a nightmare, Dean.” 

They were quiet again. Little flakes of snow fell through the air, and Dean exhaled. 

“I'm fine, Claire.” 

“You can talk to me about it, you know.” She shrugged, looking at him. “I'm not like Sam. I don't do  _ soft.  _ I do  _ real.”  _

When Dean didn't reply, she exhaled. 

“He was like a father to me, you know.” 

He finally looked at her, and he could see her staring into her cup sadly. 

“A weird, dorky one that I wanted to hate sometimes, but...its kinda impossible to hate him, you know?” 

Dean looked down. “Trust me, I know.” 

“Sam told me he summoned the empty, and it took  _ him  _ and  _ death.”  _ He felt her eyes suddenly burn into him. “I don't think Sam sees the holes in your story.” 

“Oh yeah?” Dean chuckled bitterly. “What are they?” 

“One, if it just wanted Death, why did it take Cas? Two, if it was relentless and uncontrollable enough to take both, why not you as well?” She swirled her coffee. “And  _ three,  _ how the _ hell  _ did Cas summon the empty?” 

Dean’s eyes glazed over. He felt a lump in his throat. 

_ I love you.  _

“... I dunno.” 

“That's Bullshit and you know it.” 

Dean eyed her, pasting on a small, bitter smile, and said nothing. 

They heard footsteps, and Kaia was returning with some ice, Jack by her side. 

“I still think it stupid that we need ice in the middle of  _ December.”  _ Kaia shrugged, Dean stepped away from the car. 

“Baby needs to stay warm, and the cooler says in Baby.”

“Why do you call it Baby?” Kaia scrunched up her nose. Dean laughed. 

“Cause she's my Baby, next question.” 

“Dean, that car is  _ older than you.”  _ Sam made his presence known as he carried a bag over his shoulder, throwing it into the impala and smacking the top of it. “By  _ decades.” _

“Oh don't call her old, Sammy!” Dean purred. “She's sensitive!” 

Kaia shot Claire a look, who started laughing. Jack looked at the impala

“She's old enough to be my grandma.” 

“Aaand with that, let's get this show on the road!” Dean smacked the top of the impala. 

…

Ben woke up with a start, eyes wide as he looked around. A sticky note or two fell off his face. 

He was disoriented for a moment before he scrambled to check the time. 

1 pm. 

He let out a yawn, stretching out his arms until he heard them crack. 

Not really his style to sleep in...his Mom should be at work by now. 

Wednesday, two more days until the DNA test. 

Also a brand new day in  _ general,  _ so of course he skimmed through the news for updates. 

No new dead cattle, but there WAS a new body with a slit throat…

A shiver ran down his spine. What kinda sick freak does shit like this? 

...unless it was a demon. 

_ No, no it's just some sicko killer. Demons are more vicious, right? _

He stood up, walking out of his room and downstairs in the grateful search of hot pockets to microwave. 

…

“Told you we wouldn't be there by tonight,” Dean spoke as they entered yet another shitty motel room. Sam sighed. 

“Maybe if you guys didn't stop at McDonald's  _ three separate times.”  _

“We were hungry!” Claire shrugged. “And we needed to pee!” 

“Speaking of!” Jack turned and walked into the bathroom, closing the door. 

Dean continued. 

“Yeah, not everyone can pee in a bottle, Sam.” 

Kaia blinked for a second, pausing from readjusting her bed and then looking at Dean. 

“What?”

Dean stood there solidly for a second, biting at his jaw for a moment before unzipping his bag. 

“Yeah, well, sometimes when you gotta pee and you're on the road,” 

“Deans been doing this since he was 14,” Sam groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It's  _ disgusting.”  _

“Hey, I throw them out!” Dean shouted defensively. “And you never know when you might need them for mustard gas!” 

“MUSTARD GAS?” Claire screeched, cackling. “YOU'RE GONNA COMMIT A WAR CRIME WITH YOUR  _ PISS!?”  _

“IF I NEED TO, YEAH!” 

Jack walked back in. 

“Guys, there's a rat in the bathroom.” 

…

Ben was writing down notes at the counter, and he felt his mother approach him from behind. 

“That for college?” 

Ben shrugged. “Eeh...kinda.” 

He chewed at his pen, deep in thought. 

“...have you ever thought about being a writer, Ben?” His mom piped up again. “Your teachers  _ always  _ used to tell me how creative you were with this stuff.”

Ben laughed a bit. “Sounds fun, but dyslexias a bitch...and ADHD.” 

His mom let out a bit of a laugh, taking a step back. 

“Yeah...I have no idea where you got them from.” 

“Probably my dad.” Ben shrugged. His mom let out a chuckle, rustling his hair. 

“We’ll just have to find out on Friday, hm?” 

…

Dean woke up in the motel room, but once again, something was off. 

He felt nauseous, and he could see Cas on his bed. 

This time, only his eyes and mouth were covered in blocks of static. Dean had to swallow a lump in his throat- he just wanted to see those sad, blue pools that could make a puppy jealous. 

Cas stood up, and he could tell he was staring at him. 

Then he turned and walked out of the room. 

“I- Cas!” Dean scrambled to get out of bed, which was tougher than he thought. Everything was tilted and it all felt like wading through molasses. 

Cas opened the door, walking out. 

_ I'm not letting you walk away again!  _

He struggled over to the door, gripping onto it and struggling to breathe like the room was full of mold. 

He leaned against the door frame and took a step outside, but he heard what sounded like  _ glass shattering.  _

He looked down, seeing his ankle bent in a weird direction, and white-hot pain jolted through his body. He let out a grunt, gripping onto the doorframe with his life, before throwing himself down onto the pavement outside the room. 

Cas was still walking away. 

“CAS!” He screamed. Cas didn't hear him.  _ “CAS!”  _

  
  


Dean jolted awake, looking around wildly- before feeling another nudge at his shoulder. 

“Dean, are you okay!?”

His blurry eyes recognized Jack, and he groaned, rubbing at his eyes. Where  _ was  _ he? 

“Why are you outside, Dean?” Jack's eyes were round. “It's in the middle of winter! You're  _ freezing!”  _

Dean only just realized he was shivering- and he also realized he was  _ right where he was in the dream.  _

_ Did I sleepwalk?  _ He blinked- looking in the direction he saw Cas go. His skin felt like it was getting bitten by a million piranhas, but his heart still tugged in that direction. 

“Dean,” He felt Jack’s hand on his shoulder. “Y-you can hear me, right?” 

“Y…” Dean swallowed. “Y-yeah.” 

He grunted as he stood up, feeling the world spin a bit. It felt like his ankle was gonna fall off. 

He noticed it was dawn.  _ How long have I been out here?  _

He heard the door click open and saw Sam peek his head out. 

“Jack-? Why're you-?” He locked eyes with him. “Dean?!” 

Dean leaned against the wall, still feeling nauseous, but shoved on a grin. 

“Heya, Sammy.” He tried not to gag. Sam walked towards him. 

“What're you doing out here? You look like- like-“

“Like shit?” Dean wheezed a bit. “Yeah, I know.” 

“I found him out here passed out,” Jack stared at Sam, worried. Sam's eyes widened in alarm, jolting over to his brother. 

“I'm fine.” 

Sam placed a hand to Dean's forehead, to which Dean smacked it off. 

“I'm not  _ sick,  _ Sammy.” 

“Yeah, but you're  _ freezing,”  _ he grimaced. “Come back inside,  _ shit  _ dean what  _ happened?”  _

Sam turned the doorknob, and Dean sighed, dragging his heels as they entered the room. Claire was busy brushing Kaia's hair, but the two of them stared at the commotion as Dean flailed his arms. 

“I don't know, okay!? I just-“ he blinked. “I just woke up out there!” 

“He was  _ outside?”  _ Claire grimaced. “What, did you sleepwalk?” 

“I don't sleepwalk- that's Sam’s thing.” 

“First of all, I haven't done that in  _ years,  _ second of all,” Sam gestured a bit with his hands, and exhaled. “I-I dunno, maybe you did, Dean. Sometimes people tend to sleepwalk when they are under stress, and-“ 

“I'm not under  _ stress.”  _

The entire room looked at him. Dean stood there for a moment, grinding his jaw, and then grabbing his jacket. 

He was still freezing. 

“Whatever, it's  _ fine.”  _ He started to pull it over his arms. “It was weird, that's  _ all.”  _

The room was quiet, and Dean exhaled. 

“I need some coffee.” 

…

Thursday. 

Ben shuffled through his old closet, finding old papers of random drawings or old cassette tapes or DVDs- magazines and comic books of monsters that slowly turned into more complex lore. 

He wanted to go through the books on the subject of demons slitting throats. His book did not discuss it at all, but the more Ben thought about the possibility of demons being in his city gave him paranoia. He didn't know why...when he tried to think about it, it turned into static. 

When he reached up to get another book, he flinched as something heavy and metal fell off a shelf, clattering to the ground. 

A pistol. 

Silently wishing a million silent thanks to the greater powers that be that it didn't go off, he bent down and carefully picked it up. 

He got this thing when he was about 11 or so- it was given to him by…

By…

He blinked. He remembered a concerned face and a flash of green eyes. 

The harder he tried to remember, the more it slipped away. 

_ Dammit.  _

He checked to see if the gun was loaded- it was. 

He was meaning to get a gun, he forgot about this thing. 

_ Well, perfect. Maybe now I won't have to rent them at the shooting range anymore.  _

He shoved the clip back into the gun, waving it a bit in his hands before setting it down on his bed. 

…

“Aaand here we are!” 

Dean declared this as he opened the door to the motel room- the one they'd be staying in during the hunt itself. 

“So we can finally unpack?” Kaia breathed. Sam shrugged, putting a bag on his bed. 

“Well, depending on how the hunt goes! If it's fast, we can just head back after we’re done.” 

“Kay, we’ll take the floors again.” Claire shrugged. Dean furrowed his brows. 

“We don't mind if you take the beds- or one of em. I'll sleep on the floor.” 

“Make an old man sleep on the floor.” Claire laughed. “No thank you.” 

“Old m-“ Dean blinked, eyes wide. “I'm not old!” 

“Kinda are.” Sam shrugged. 

“Well then so are you!” 

“I'm still in my 30s. You're 41, Dean.” 

“You-“ Dean took a moment to think. Huh...he was 41, wasn't he? 

...he's lived on earth only one year longer than he's lived in hell. 

He shook his head a bit, sighing and walking over to sit on his bed. 

“Okay, fine.” He muttered, setting down his bag next to him as he took a seat. “Well, it's still light out- should we get in some planning and interviewing?” 

… 

After talking to the morgue and one of the wives of the vics, the group decided to split up- the three kids on one side of the town scanning about with EMF meters and Jack's senses, Sam and Dean on the other. 

Dean held his old busted up walkmen, scanning away and holding a hand in his pocket as sam eyed around as well. 

“You know, for something you bullied me for years ago this thing still kicks ass.” Dean spoke. Sam looked at him. 

“I never  _ bullied _ you.” 

“Yeah, but I could tell you wanted to.” He shrugged. 

Sam was silent for a moment, before speaking again. 

“...well maybe you're right- but I think I was more in denial that you could build something.” 

Dean focused on scanning, face softening a bit as he listened to Sam continue. 

“Y'know- I was at college while you were hunting monsters and partying. You dropped out- hate to say it but I was just a pompous 22 year old who thought I was better than you at the time.” He let out a bit of a laugh. “You realize you're  _ really  _ smart, right Dean?”

Dean was quiet for a moment, before speaking. 

“Yeah, my brain kicks ass.” 

“I mean it.” Sam laughed. “Look, remember that time you managed to learn how to hack security cameras? That was  _ you,  _ Dean.” 

Dean was quiet for a moment, before letting out a bit of a laugh and shaking his head. 

“Sammy, what's with the whole...love and kindness right now, huh?” 

Sam did the thing he does with his face when he's being smug- curving his lips down and shrugging a bit while looking at Dean. 

“Nothing, Dean...I just wanna be nice.” He cleared his throat a bit. “...and you've been having it hard lately.” 

Dean eyed him with a warning glare, but Sam continued. 

“Dean, I...you've always had…” he gestured with his hands a bit. “Y'know, nightmares, but you've never-“ he paused. “Dean, you can talk to me about Cas-“ 

Next thing he knew, Dean was slamming Sam up against the wall- staring him dead in the eyes with a face full of cold fire. 

They stood there for a moment before Dean huffed. 

“Don't say his name.” 

He let him go, and Sam's eyes rounded. “Dean-“ 

“Don't-“ Dean was cut off by the sound of his phone ringing. 

Sam stared at him, still concerned, but Dean answered the phone, putting it on speaker. 

“Yeah, Claire, what's up?”

“We found some EMF in the suburbs,” her voice came over the phone. 

Sam pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a huff. 

“Uh, okay, Claire. You three wait, we’ll be there in a moment just uh, text me your location.” 

“Got it.” With that, she hung up, and Dean shoved his phone in his pocket. 

“Let's go.” 

…

Claire flipped her phone in her hand, before shoving it back in her coat pocket. 

“Boomers will be here in a bit.” She clicked her tongue, striding back over to Kaia and Jack, who was sitting on the curb. 

“I thought boomers were born in the 60s.” Jack furrowed his brows. Kaia shrugged. 

“It's also just slang for old people.” 

Jack nodded for a moment and then furrowed his brows. 

“Technically, you're both very old to me.”

Claire eyed the kid, before walking over and scooping up some snow- aaand splatting it over Jack’s head. 

“Ah! Cold!” 

Kaia let out a laugh, tilting her head back and clapping her hands, and letting out a scream when Jack shook his head like a dog. 

“Watch the splashback, kid!” 

Jack started laughing, too, hair now wet. He smiled at Claire, who smirked at stuck her tongue out. 

“Whos old now?” 

Jack got up, picking up some snow and throwing it at Claire, who jumped out of the way. 

“Oh, you're  _ on.”  _

She grabbed a fistful of snow, chucking it at Jack, who got pelted right at the chest. Kaia jumped up, grabbing some snow as well and throwing it at the baby god. Jack squealed. 

“That's not fair! This is two against one!” 

“You called us old, baby boy!” Kaia retorted. Jack felt Claire pelt him in the side of the head, and he looked at her. 

“That's it!” 

With that, he snapped his fingers- and Shade formed  _ specifically  _ over Claire- who looked up- only to see a snowstorm. 

“THAT'S CHEATING, JACK!” She laughed, getting snowed on. Jack giggled, snapping his fingers as the snow stopped. Kaia walked over, taking off her jacket and covering Claire's head with it- before scrubbing it around to help dry her off. Jack watched with amusement. 

Kaia took back her jacket- to which Claire looked like she’d been through a tornado. 

Kaia flapped out her jacket before putting it back on, and Claire glared at Jack mischievously. 

“SOMEONES gonna get snow in their pillow tonight, and that someone has two stupid yellow eyes and their name begins with J.” 

“Kaia?” Jack said with almost a verbal smile. Kaia started  _ howling.  _

“No, Kaia gets a punishment of her own.” 

“WHY!?” Kaia cackled. Claire stormed over. 

“For screwing up my hair.” She muttered, before pressing her lips to hers. Kaia giggled into her face, gently shutting her eyes and melting into it. 

They flinched at the sound of a car honk- and turned to see the impala right near them- the two girls only just now noticing they were in the middle of the road. 

The car was put into park, and the two boys exited- Sam laughing a bit. 

“Why are you guys  _ wet?”  _

“I invoked the wrath of God,” Claire smirked. Jack tried to whistle unsuspiciously, before remembering he didn't know how to and just pretended to instead. 

Dean, meanwhile, was staring at the neighborhood, green eyes glazed over with a hurricane of thoughts blasting through his mind. Kaia tilted her head at him, and Sam eventually caught on. 

“Dean? You good?” 

“...do you not know where we are, Sam?” 

Sam blinked, furrowing his brows- and then suddenly, his jaw laxed, brows up in realization as he looked at Dean. 

“This is where Lisa and Ben live.” 

“I'm sorry,  _ who?”  _ Claire crossed her arms, furrowing her brows and tilting her head. Dean continued to stare at the suburban houses, biting at his lip a bit. 

Finally, he exhaled, shaking his head and taking out the EMF meter. 

“Doesn't matter.” He muttered, clicking the device on. “We have work to do.” 


	3. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cold hard evidence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for violence, blood, and death.

There was the sound of the gentlest footsteps- ones you could only hear if you saw them, too, the human mind filling the mental gaps where noise should be. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Until there was a sigh from a stranger. 

“Is this really worth our time?” Said one voice, followed by a groan from another. 

“Obviously, yes. You think revolts are big kills at first?” 

There was silence, possibly from the first voice who was shaking their head. The second sighed. 

“Look, Rowena isn't even a  _ demon.  _ She's a shitty little spirit, and-“ they paused. “Wait… Do you smell that?” 

Dean locked eyes with his brother, and gestured for Claire to stay behind him- she nodded, catching sight of three half-empty beer bottles and immediately focusing again. 

There was the sound of shuffling as the strangers stood up, but they stood no chance. 

Sam and Dean burst into the room- kicking the door open and charging them. 

Normal eyes flickered into black as two demons charged over to the hunters- weapons in hand. 

In one exchange of eye contact, Dean slid his finger over his neck and pointed to the second demon, then put his hand in a fist and pointed to the first. 

With that, Sam bolted towards the second demon, a guy with black hair, flipping out his knife and kicking him in the chest before he could do anything- causing him to tumble back. 

Dean, meanwhile, grabbed the wrist of the first demon- a blonde woman, who was attempting to stab him before he rolled her arm over and forced her to the ground. Holding down the hissing monster, he dug into the front of his jacket, taking out a flask of holy water and dumping it on her. 

She let out a guttural  _ scream,  _ and Dean looked to Claire. 

“NOW!” 

Claire bolted over, rolling on top of the demonic woman before handcuffing her- warded handcuffs. Dean grabbed the knife from her, and backed up, as did Claire. 

Just then, the tell-tale sound of a soul flickering as it was killed was heard, and Sam stood up from a now-dead body. 

Dean huffed, giving a thumbs up. 

“Good work, Sammy.” 

Sam huffed as well, giving a curt nod before grabbing a chair within the room, dragging it over. Dean kicked the blonde demon into it and smirked. 

“Alright, blondey. Listen here.” He drawled, pacing as Sam exited the room. He twisted a knife around between his fingers, boots clicking against the floor. “You're gonna tell us what your special little  _ plans  _ are, okay? Maybe, just  _ maybe,  _ we’ll let you go if you do! Kay?” 

The demon spat at him, glaring, and Dean took a step back, laughing. 

“Oooh, quirky now, arentcha?” He crowed, smirking. 

The demon stood up from the chair, glaring. 

“Ohh, careful there, Spice Girl! I don't think you wanna try your luck.” Claire chimed. 

Sam stomped back into the room, rope in hand. When Dean noticed, he shoved the demon back onto the chair, and his brother strode over, tying her down. Both of them backed up, and Dean flicked out the knife. 

“Let's try that again.”

…

The only thing that could be smelt was burning. 

He coughed a bit, waving a towel in the room to air out the smoke. 

There was a click, and Ben perked up, smiling as his mom entered. 

“Hey! Welcome home!” 

She walked through the door, mouth open as if she was waiting to catch an answer. When she didn't, she laughed a bit. 

“What's all this?” 

“I'm baking cookies!” Ben lifted his hands up, grinning nervously. “...well, trying!” 

“I can tell!” His mother laughed. “Did you forget to set the timer?” 

“Maybe.” Ben winked. “But they aren't- uh- burnt that bad! I think. Come check it out!” 

She strode over, arms crossed with a smirk upon her face, and she couldn't help but bubble into a laugh when she saw the mess. 

Flour scattered about- and on ben, but most importantly, nearly black cookies. 

“Well!” 

Ben sighed. “I know…” 

“You're lucky I like crispy things.” She smirked, grabbing at one of the cookies. “...next time, a little less flour everywhere, and more flour in the batch, yeah?” 

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” Ben laughed. 

His mother bit into it, nodding at the crunch, and chuckled. 

“You haven't tried to bake  _ anything  _ since…” 

Her eyes glazed over, Ben remembered it, too- the burnt hole in a photograph, next to him as they tried to bake cookies together. 

They turned out so shitty but his mother was _beaming._

He wanted to find that burnt hole in his memory, god he  _ needed  _ to. 

“So what's the occasion?” His mom finally spoke. Ben perked up, and then looked down, laughing a bit. 

“I just wanted...to bake, y'know? For the holidays…” 

He swallowed and smiled up at her. 

“...and to thank you for being my mom.” 

He saw his mother's gaze soften, and he huffed out a laugh. 

“Y'know? In your shoes, you could have easily been  _ careless  _ and  _ harsh  _ but you've been nothing but loving… You worked so, so hard to keep me happy, and you did it alone...so…” he looked down. 

“So thank you.” 

A beat of silence went by, and he heard a sniff. 

His mom had a small smile on her face, and she let out a small laugh. 

“I love you, Ben.” She ruffled his hair. “I'll always be here for you, okay?” 

…

“Let me ask you again.” 

Dean held up the flask near the blonde, grinning. 

“What're you doing here, princess?” 

The demon glared, tilting her head and smirking. “Decorating for Christmas.” 

Dean eyed her and dribbled more holy water onto her head, to which she screeched in pain. 

“FINE, FINE!” She cried. Dean exchanged a glance with Sam- a look that read  _ the new ones crumble so easy.  _ The blonde panted and glared at Dean. “We’re making a statement against Rowena's rule- we’re going after victims that we let go of and killing them. Proving a point.” 

Dean felt a rush of shock run through him. “What?” 

“There's a few here in this town, this neighborhood is next. Got it?”

Dean lifted his chin. “Who’re you working for?” 

“She's new, I don't know her name.” The demon snarled. “Now let me go.” 

Dean took a few steps back, trying not to show the tremble in his voice. 

“Fine.” He muttered. “Sam?” 

Sam lifted his chin, clearing his throat. 

_ “Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus,” _

“HEY!” The blonde screamed. “YOU SAID YOU'D LET ME GO!” 

_ “omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii,”  _

“We are.” Claire grinned. “We aren't killing ya.” 

“ _ omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica.” _

“BASTARDS-“ 

“See ya in hell!” Dean smiled. 

“ _ Ergo, omnis legio diabolica, adiuramus te. _ ”

…

Kaia perked up once the gang exited the house- a woman with them, who was rather confused. 

“The uber will be here in 15 minutes, okay?” Claire spoke, leading her down the sidewalk. “Hang onto that spare change, okay? And good luck out there, your girlfriend will be happy to see you again.”

The blonde sniffed. “Thank you.” 

“What'd you learn?” Kaia looked to Sam and Dean. Dean was already rushing to the front seat of the impala. Sam cleared his throat. 

“There's- uh- an uprising in hell, apparently.” He shook his head. “They're going after old victims.” 

“Well, the demons killing whoever's here are dead or exorcised, right?” Jack spoke. 

“Not really,” Claire looked over. “I saw three bottles of beer in there, not two.” 

Sam exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Okay, into the car, let's go.” 

By the time everyone was piling in, Dean had already started it. 

Sam looked at Dean. 

“You think they're after-?” 

“Yeah, Sam. They're absolutely after them.” Dean ran his fingers through his hair, his voice shaking. Sam flinched a bit. 

“Okay, calm down-“ 

“I am calm!” Dean shouted. “I- I am- just-“ he let out a huff, putting the impala in drive and stepping on the gas. 

…

Ben laid on the fireplace- face in a book, and his mom walked in, a mug of hot cocoa in hand. 

“You're gonna get burned, Ben.”

Ben laughed, sitting up and reaching for the mug. 

“There's a screen over it, mom.” 

“Fire is a gas, you'd know that if you didn't fail chem.” 

Ben just laughed harder. “I preferred engineering!” 

“Yeah, so much so you were Mr. Z’s aid one year.”

“He was a cool teacher!” He grinned. “He let me hack  _ so  _ many furbies.” 

His mother sat down on her chair, sipping at her hot cocoa. Ben smiled a bit, now sitting upright and sipping at his own. 

“Mom?” 

“Hm?” 

“Do you think monsters are real?” 

She thought for a moment, before clicking her tongue and sighing. 

“Logically, I want to say no, but a part of me kinda feels like they  _ are.” _

“Yeah.” Ben fiddled with the book in his hands. “Do you think there are people out there who keep them in line?” 

“I think there has to be.” She shrugged. “It makes sense- otherwise they'd be a well-known thing.” 

Ben nodded, chuckling a tad to himself before taking another sip of his cocoa. 

“That sounds like a fun job.” 

“Sounds like a dangerous one.” 

“Sounds like one that gives people purpose.” Ben tapped at his book. “Saving people. That's better than money.” 

His mother was silent for a moment. 

“You're very heroic, Ben.” She sighed. “Living is better than money, too.” 

…

The sun was going down- they'd dropped Jack and Kaia off at the motel, despite Jack insisting he can help. He needed to make sure Kaia stayed safe, and the rest of the gang needed to stake out the house. 

So here the impala was, parked outside a house that made Dean’s heart sink with grief. 

His eyes locked onto the house- had they repainted it? The dent in the front Ben left with his skateboard once was gone, and the door was a different color. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and shut his eyes when he heard Claire speak up. 

“So what's the story with these two, anyway?” 

“It- it's uh-“ Sam cleared his throat, looking at the house. Dean ran his fingers through his hair. 

“Not relevant.” He muttered. He eyed Sam. “None of it is.” 

Dean knew Sam, and he knew he wanted to take this more seriously- cause they  _ knew  _ them. But Lisa and Ben didn't know  _ him.  _

He didn't even want to enter the house. Not after all the damage he caused. 

“Geez, grouchy,” Claire muttered. Dean didn't retort. He knew he was being unfair, but what was he supposed to say? His ex-girlfriend and kid were in there? 

He wished Cas was there with them, he would say something comforting. He'd know how to help. 

_ But that's gone.  _ His heart sank.  _ I'll never get him back, just like I'll never get her back, either.  _

…

The night was drawing to a close, and he heard his mother yawn. 

“Well,” She closed her magazine. “I'm gonna head off to bed, kay?” 

“Alright.” 

“You should, too, Ben.” She spoke sternly. “It's getting late, and we have the DNA test tomorrow.” 

Ben rolled his eyes. “Fine.” 

She smiled, but her gaze turned more serious. 

“Hey.” 

Ben perked up. 

“...no matter what, no matter who he is, it won't change anything about either of us, right?” 

Ben nodded. “Of course, mom.” 

She smiled, now stalking up the stairs. 

“Goodnight, Ben.” 

“Night, mom!” 

Once she disappeared, Ben let out a yawn, closing his book and standing up. 

He grabbed a burnt cookie from the kitchen and realized the mess as he crunched away. 

...right. 

He sighed, shoving the rest in his mouth and grabbing some bowls, putting them in the sink and washing them out. Once he left them to soak, he moved on to sweeping the flour. 

And that's when he heard a scream. 

“Mom?” He brushed his hands, wiping them on his jeans as he rushed over to the stairs. 

There was another scream, and the sound of stumbling- and Ben felt his heart  _ drop.  _

_ Are we getting robbed!?  _

He swallowed and quickly ran into his room. 

“Shit shit shit shit-“ 

He grabbed the pistol from under his pillow, clicking it off of safety and cocking it, before storming over to his mother's room. 

He attempted to open the door, grimacing at the commotion from within the room and cursed when it was locked. 

Gearing himself up, he ran and kicked at the door. 

Nothing. 

He heard more screaming. 

He kicked again. 

Nothing. 

He swallowed, panicked, and tried to focus, and felt a pulse of adrenaline kick in. 

He took a step back and  _ kicked.  _

The door flew open- wood splintering off of the frame as he stormed inside. 

His mother's head was cupped in some stranger's hands- a big guy, too. 

Her eyes were wide with panic, and darted to Ben, pleading for help. 

Ben swallowed, pointing the gun. 

“HEY!” 

The stranger turned to look at him. 

“Let her go.” 

Ben couldn't hear the door being broken into downstairs, nor the thundering through the house. 

He only heard his own heartbeat. 

The stranger tilted his head, grinning, and Ben squeezed the trigger. 

An agonizingly loud BANG cracked through the house as a bullet flew into the stranger's shoulder, but he didn't even flinch. 

Instead, his eyes turned pitch black. 

“It's gonna take more than that to save your mommy, kid.” 

He looked back over to her, hands firm on her temples, and  _ twisted.  _

There was a gruesome  _ SNAP,  _ and her eyes rolled to the back of her head as she went  _ limp _ . 

Ben felt his heart stop. 

_ “NO!!” _

He thought it came out of his own mouth, but was shocked to feel a man brush past him, shoving him aside as he ran at the stranger. 

The demon. 

“MOM!” Ben finally cried out, but two hands grabbed his shoulders, tugging him away. 

“C’mon, we need to get you somewhere safe-“ He knew the voice was familiar, and he saw a flash of blonde hair, but he didn't even look to see who it was. 

“My mother, she's still in there-“ 

“It's too late, come  _ on.”  _

Ben felt a lump in his throat form.  _ She's not dead, she can't be.  _

“Dude, come ON!” 

He felt another body shove past him, a bigger guy this time- and he felt tears well up in his eyes as he shook his head. 

“No!  _ Mom!” _

“COME ON!” 

He was grabbed by the shoulders, being tugged back as he was pulled out of the house. 

Not five minutes ago everything was  _ fine.  _

Everyone was happy, everyone was safe. They were eating cookies, they were gonna get a DNA test tomorrow she  _ promised.  _

_ She promised to always be there for me.  _

Before he knew it, he was outside, but he couldn't feel the cold. He could only see his breath as he crumbled onto his knees in the snow. 

He couldn't hear anything, he couldn't feel anything. 

Nothing was being comprehended. 

_ She promised to always be there for me… _

…

A wad of grief swelled from his chest to his throat as he looked at the body on the floor, and the next thing he knew, he was on his knees. 

“Dean,” he heard Sam mutter, but Dean shut his eyes, gritting his teeth. 

“I should've been there to save her.” 

“This isn't your fault,” 

“If it weren't for me she’d still be  _ alive,  _ Sam!” Dean snapped back, his voice cracking. He was doing everything in his power not to explode, not to break down. 

Sam took a few steps back. “Dean I'm so sorry, Lisa-“ 

“Please.” Dean choked out. 

He finally opened his eyes, seeing Lisa’s twisted corpse, the last thing in her glazed over vision being fear. 

He wanted to scream. Goddammit, this was  _ so unfair.  _

“Dean,” Sam breathed. “C’mon, Ben is outside, we need to talk to him or- or  _ something.”  _

Suddenly, Dean had forgotten how he talked to people during hunts, how he consoled them, how he taught them. 

All he knew was he just watched two of the people he wanted to spend his life with die because of  _ him.  _

Drawing in a last, shuddering breath, he stood up. 

…

Ben was sitting in the back of the car- an impala, likely, and he was talking to Claire Novak of all people. 

“What're you doing here?” He shuttered out, eyeing her. She tucked some hair behind her ear. 

“Saving your ass.” When he didn't respond, she continued. “... I didn't know you'd be here, I just knew your house was in trouble. Sam and Dean are taking care of it right now- my job is to keep you safe.” 

Ben blinked rapidly, his vision feeling hazy. “Was...was that a demon?” 

Claire was quiet for a moment. 

“...yes.” 

Ben felt the world crumble around him. 

He trusted monsters were real, but he had never witnessed solid proof up until now. 

“My mother…” he breathed. Claire put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Ben,” she spoke. “She's  _ dead.” _

Ben shook his head. “She can't be.” 

“She is. You saw it, it's the truth.” 

“I don't  _ want it to be!”  _

Claire flinched and then nodded. 

“Look- i- I get it...I…” she was quiet for a moment. “... I lost a parent recently, too.” 

He shut his eyes. 

“To a demon?” 

Claire was quiet again. 

“It's complicated.” 

Ben inhaled shakily, opening his eyes when he heard the two front doors open. Claire perked up. 

“Took care of it?” 

“For the most part, y-yes.” The taller man- who had hair halfway to his shoulders, exhaled. The other man, the one in the driver's seat with the leather jacket, didn't look over at all. 

“You guys didn't tell me this was Ben Braeden.” 

Sam tilted his head. “You...you  _ know  _ him?” 

“Yeah.” Claire looked at Ben. “Do you know  _ them?”  _

Ben scanned them- the tall one wasn't very familiar, but the shorter one… 

...no. 

“No, I don't.” He muttered. Claire exhaled. 

“Okay, uh, well this is Sam and Dean. The three of us are hunters.” 

Ben looked up at Sam. 

“What're we gonna do about my mom?” 

Quiet for a moment. 

“Were gonna call her in, report a body and all that- so she's properly taken care of.” 

Ben shut his eyes, grief overwhelming him. 

“Okay.”

“We’ll take you back to the motel for tonight, alright?” Dean finally spoke up, still not looking over. “We’ll buy you a different room if you need, whatever. Just-“ 

“I don't want to be alone-'' Ben felt the words tumble out of his mouth. He then, quickly added, “Not tonight. Please.”

“...okay,” Dean spoke, putting the car into gear. “You'll take my bed for tonight.” 

“Thank you...” Ben muttered. His body throbbed with exhaustion, adrenaline ebbing away from his heart as his eyes went half-lidded. “Thank you.” 

Dean cleared his throat. 

“...of course. We’re here for you, kid.” 


	4. Emotional Vomit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two certain characters aren't coping well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for talks about death, puking, and accidental self-harm.
> 
> Also, this would be a good time to mention that these interpretations of these characters are based off of my redesigns of them! I only have TFW2.0 drawn out, but you can see their refs HERE: 
> 
> Dean: https://randomgooberness.tumblr.com/post/637155000675647488/hello-everyone-and-welcome-to-goob-redesigns
> 
> Sam: https://randomgooberness.tumblr.com/post/637189012252164096/welcome-back-to-goob-redesigns-guttural-scream
> 
> Cas: https://randomgooberness.tumblr.com/post/637237540641013760/the-third-member-of-team-free-will-gay-angel
> 
> Jack: https://randomgooberness.tumblr.com/post/637367780764680192/the-fourth-member-of-team-free-will-the-babiest

Dean woke up off of the floor. 

Reality was distorted again, blue light peeking in from the windows. He looked up. 

There stood Cas. 

His entire body was completely static, this time. Dean almost flinched. 

“Cas,” 

Cas tilted his head and then turned around. 

“No, don't leave again, PLEASE.”

He opened the door, exiting it. Dean grit his teeth, standing up and stumbling over before it could close. 

Once again, the second he reached it, he heard the sound of glass shattering. 

Ignoring the nauseating pain, he grit his teeth, pushing through it and dragging his ankle as he followed the glitchy trench coat. 

_ “CAS!”  _ He called. He hissed in pain and quickly noticed the agony in his leg turn for the worse. 

He gazed down and noticed  _ glass protruding through his ankle.  _

He swallowed the urge to throw up, shaking his head. 

Despite the trail of blood he was starting to leave behind, he pushed forward, gasping in pain and leaning against the motel's wall. It was freezing cold- his adrenaline was draining and turning into meek shivering. 

He turned the corner and saw Cas standing there. 

Familiar, high pitched ringing blasted through his head as he stumbled- and he heard his own voice, being broken up as if someone Frankensteined it together. 

**_“No one cares that you're broken- dammit- we can fix this- clean up your mess!”_ **

With that, the world spun, and suddenly he was falling. 

When he hit the ground, he woke up. 

His ears were ringing, and he was laying belly-down in snow. 

The world still felt like it was spinning, his ankle still hurt...he wasn't even sure if this was real or fake. Nausea was overwhelming. 

It was freezing, but he didn’t get up. Part of him couldn’t really think to- the other part of him didn’t want to. He was tired, and he didn’t feel like he really... _ deserved _ to get up. 

He wasn't sure how long he'd been lying there. Minutes, at most...maybe an hour. Time was warping over him like he was underwater, and he was shutting his eyes trying to get the world to stop spinning.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps and a shout. 

“DEAN!” 

Sam scrambled over to his side, lifting him by the shoulders and helping him up- to which Dean shuttered and gagged. His feet barely worked enough to stand on them as he was lifted slowly.

“Hey, hey hey hey, it's okay, it's okay- Dean what-? What's wrong? What're you doing out here?”

Dean opened his mouth to answer, but when he did, he started to vomit. 

“Woah- okay shit shit shit- uh-“ Sam flinched, and then pat his brothers back, him coughing at sputtering, before inhaling shakily. He gagged one last time, and then coughed. 

“I'm- I'm fine-“ he hacked. “It's fine Sammy it's fine-“ 

“What-!?” Sam stared at him. “ _ Shit _ you're pale, lets- let's get you inside, c’mon.” 

…

Ben woke up to the sound of the door opening. 

For a second, he thought it was his mom- and then he looked around, seeing the motel from last night. 

His heart sank, realizing what happened was real. 

He didn't sit up, instead, he looked towards the two men- Sam and Dean. Dean...well, he looked like shit. Sam was currently supporting him, patting his back and sitting him down. 

He strained to hear their panicked whispering. 

“Dean, what were you  _ doing  _ out there? Don't say  _ you don't know _ again I  _ know  _ you're lying.” 

“Sam-“ 

“No- no, dean! I just found you laying in the snow getting  _ sick!  _ You're not  _ drunk _ , are you?” 

“No, man!”

“Then what were you  _ doing!?”  _

He saw Claire lift her head from the floor, rasping. 

“Was Dean asleep outside again?”

“Look, I'll talk about this later,” Dean muttered, putting his head in his hands. 

“Dean.” 

“No.” Dean got up, walking over to the table and grabbing his jacket. Sam let out a groan. 

“Where are you  _ going?”  _

“Relax.” He spat back. “I'm just gonna pick up breakfast, okay?” 

“Dean…”

“Be back soon.”

Whatever argument Sam had for his brother, Dean wasn't hearing it. He opened the door and stormed out. 

“You know what would be a good job? A therapist for hunters.” Claire spoke. Then she laid her head back down. “Sure as hell won't be my job, though.” 

Ben finally decided to sit up, yawning and rubbing at his still-swollen eyes. 

He didn't remember much of last night- just the sight of…

He shut his eyes, not wanting to think about it right now. 

“Oh, uh-“ Sam blinked. “Good morning, Ben.” 

Ben blinked his eyes after rubbing them, and suddenly realized another person staring at him. 

Last night, Ben had gotten to the motel in a rush, but he never got to talk to the other people there- in fact, he kinda passed out on Dean’s bed immediately- with his shoes on and without his blanket over him, which was weird because he wasn't wearing his shoes anymore and his blanket was over him. Either way- he  _ didn't  _ get to meet these two. 

Another girl was asleep on the floor, right next to Claire, and curled up with her. Then...there was the guy with big eyes staring at him like he was a ghost. 

He blinked back at the guy, who then waved- sharp and awkward, like he was still practicing. 

“Hello!” 

Ben blinked slowly, rubbing at one of his eyes and groaning a bit. 

“Uh- h-hey…” he cleared his throat. “Whats...I don't think I got to meet you last night.” 

“That's alright! You were very tired.” The guy smiled...he spoke like a kid, almost. “My name is Jack! And…” he looked to Sam, who nodded. “I'm a Winchester! I'm their son.” 

Ben furrowed his brows. “I thought they were brothers?” 

“Ah- we are- um…” Sam cleared his throat. “We uh- adopted Jack. He's more Dean's son than anything.” 

“Sams my favorite uncle!” Jack rocked in place a bit. 

“I'm technically Dean’s kid too, y'know.” Claire piped, finally sitting up. “Jack and I- we share a legal dad.”

“Besides Dean?” 

“Yeah!” Jack perked up. His eyes then glazed over a bit. “Though...he's not here...anymore.” 

“Oh.” Then the words settled in, along with Claire's words of comfort last night. “...oh.” 

He decided to move the conversation along. 

“So are you...also a hunter?” 

Jack smiled. “Yeah! Although, I  _ am  _ also God!” 

“Y-“ Ben blinked. Sam put his head into his hands.

“Um- he uh-“ he looked like he was gonna blackout. “I can't even come up with a good lie to cover this, just don't worry about it.”

“Okay…?” Ben squinted a bit. What the fuck were they talking about?

There was a beat of silence before Sam clapped his hands a bit and looked at Ben. 

“So...do we need to give you the Talk?” 

“The Talk?” Ben furrowed his brows.

“I already gave it to him.” Claire shrugged. “When we met like...a year ago?”

“Yeah.” Ben nodded. “You were hunting vampires...didn’t let me help.” He smiled a little. “How did that turn out?” 

“Great.” Claire shrugged. “Killed the whole nest.” 

“Wow…” Ben was actually shocked, realizing she  _ killed things.  _ He then put on a smirk. “...must have needed a big steak for that.” 

“Actually you uh,” Sam made a bit of a chopping motion with his hand. “Cut their heads off.” 

Ben felt his face heat up at that.  _ But all the lore books said… _

“I knew that!” He scoffed. He glared when he heard Claire start laughing. 

“It's okay, Ben!” Jack’s eyes were like a puppy as he looked at him so  _ earnestly.  _ “I'm still learning, too!” 

Ben scoffed a bit of a laugh, rubbing at his arm and squinting. 

“How old are you?” 

“Oh! I'm three.” Jack smiled. 

“Y-you…” Ben furrowed his brows. Sam let out a groan and then a laugh. 

“Jack, can we go talk outside?” 

Jack looked over at his uncle, standing up and striding across the room as Sam opened the door, exiting and closing it behind them. 

Then the girl next to Claire sat up, rubbing at her eyes. 

“What’d I miss?” 

…

Sam let out a huff as he closed the door behind him, and gazed at the kid. 

“Jack,” he huffed out. “Um...we have to be careful with what we...tell Ben, okay?” 

“But, I thought we-“ 

“Yes, we’re telling him the truth about monsters, but that doesn't mean we tell him that…” 

“...that I'm god?” 

“...yes, or anything but a normal human for right now.” Sam cleared his throat. “He just lost his mother to a demon, we don't know how’d he react to you being something else.” 

Jack looked down for a moment, but then looked up, smiling. 

“Okay! I understand.” 

Sam exhaled. “Good.”

“So, to be sure, talking to Demitri the bathroom rat isn't normal, right?” 

Sam blinked at Jack. “You brought the rat with you?” 

“He’s very friendly.” 

“Wh...where is it?” 

Jack stared. 

“Jack, where is the rat.” 

…

Dean took a step outside- he was still  _ freezing cold,  _ even after being in the impala with the heater on, but he didn't have the patience to sit in there to fully dethaw. Despite how genuinely  _ sick  _ he felt earlier, he was so full of energy. 

...no, he was full of  _ anger.  _

Cas was dead. Now Lisa was dead. It's like the world wanted to throw one last jab at him. 

He wanted to die on that hunt, the one with the stupid vampire mimes- he wanted to die. 

He expected to- he wanted to die, let Sam grow old without him with Eileen, have a normal, stupid apple pie life. 

But something in his brain shifted when he felt himself getting shoved back- he knew the nail was there. He knew that would've been the end. He wanted to take it. 

But a fire sparked in his heart, screaming for him to move out of the way- to avoid it and keep living. It wasn’t him, it was something else but he didn't know  _ what.  _

And of course, he tripped when he ducked away- that stupid fucking clown stepping right down on him and snapping  _ so much shit  _ in there- the doctor said it almost needed to be  _ amputated.  _

But it was fine, it was fixed, and he had metal in there now, funny enough. 

Jack showed up while he was bedridden, and the two had a lot of talk about how he was too young to leave the nest, that he should learn how to be human before being god. Or at least...something close to it. 

You'd think that's where his life would turn around, right? Choosing to stay alive, having your kid come back? 

But he was rotting. He was rotting when he was bedridden, and he’s rotting now. 

People don't know that he sees how they look at him- like a broken toy. Hell, Sam even seemed to catch onto the fact that Dean thought he'd die on the hunt- he knew Dean was playing up all the joy for two weeks. 

He just wanted Sam to think he was okay before he died- and it's not like it wasn't all misery...hell, miracle loved him and he loved that stupid, slobbering dog. Getting a dog was a big step for him. 

But he didn't expect to have to take more. 

He wanted to die, genuinely, but he couldn't seem to do it. 

Watching the light fizzle out of Lisa’s eyes, though…

He swallowed the lump in his throat. It was freezing out, but it couldn't chill the ugly, writhing emotions in his chest that he felt right now. Nothing could. 

He reached into his pocket, sighing a bit in relief when he felt it- the little tiny vodka he snatched from the hotel room. He needed it, god he needed to calm down. 

He remembered a time a week or so ago. Sam refused to bring Dean food in an attempt to urge him out of bed but walked in to see that Dean decided to fill himself with the beer under his bed instead. Sam mentioned he threw up and huddled over the toilet for an hour. He didn't remember that part. 

He remembered thinking about Cas, though. 

He took another swig. It burned his throat. 

It was too much. The world was too loud and he  _ hated it.  _

Another swig. 

Benny made it quiet. Lisa made it quiet. 

Cas made it quiet. 

He felt himself shatter. 

And suddenly, his hand was wet and  _ burning.  _

He looked down to see a bloody, pulpy mess of skin, glass, and alcohol. 

_ “...shit.”  _

He wanted to keep drinking that. 

He realized his face was wet, too. He grumbled a bit to himself, wiping it with his other hand, and then licking the ruined one- forgetting it was also bleeding  _ really badly  _ and getting a mouthful of iron and vodka. 

Annoyed, he spit onto the icy sidewalk and walked over to a bush. 

Droplets of blood dribbled onto the white snow, the hot crimson melting it down. Dean hissed a bit as he took out a particularly large chunk of glass from his palm, and then a few more smaller ones. 

Only five cuts- they weren’t deep enough to do nerve damage, or really need stitches. 

Though he should wash this. 

He stared, before rubbing his hand in the snow. The cold felt a little good- and hell, it was clean, right? Whatever the vodka did not clean out the snow sure did. 

He then walked back over to the car, reaching into the glovebox and grabbing a first aid kit. 

…

Ben was scrolling through his phone, checking social media, not like it mattered. A fire burned in his head that the world was permanently changed now. 

_ Monsters are real and one just killed the closest person to me in my life.  _

He swallowed a bit, grief still barely registering in his brain, when he heard Claire speak up from the floor- she was playing on her switch. 

“Ugggh... Audie wants me to catch her Mackerel.” 

“Well, get her one.” Kaia shrugged, peeking over her shoulder. Claire laughed. 

“I'm too busy screwing off with the snowman update.”

Kaia laughed a bit, and Jack rocked in place, smiling. 

“I like Animal Crossing.” He said. “I should buy it for my switch.” 

“You should,” Claire smirked. “You'll love it.” 

Jack looked at Sam. 

“Could I get animal crossing for Christmas?” 

Sam breathed out a bit of a laugh. “I'll talk to Dean about it.” 

As if on cue, the door suddenly opened, and Dean walked into the room, holding a few bags of McDonald's. 

Ben tilted his head a bit- noticing Dean's hand wrapped in bandages, and blood peeking through flatly like something pressing up against a window. 

He wondered if that was there before, but Sam quickly answered that question. 

“Dean wh...what the hell happened, man?” 

Dean set down the bags, eying Sam carefully before sighing and rubbing at his hand a bit. 

“Broke a bottle by accident.” He muttered, pursing his lips. “S’ fine. I took care of it.” 

Sam looked like he wanted to say more, but Dean didn’t let him. He picked up the McDonalds bags again, tossing them about the room from person to person. 

“Okay, burger with onions for Claire- sorry, Kaia, nuggets for our Dream Walker, fries for both the girls to share, Happy Meal for Jack, yes I got you the girl one this time- the uh...piki whatever you call it,”

“Pikmi Pop!” 

“Whatever, I still think the dinosaurs are cooler.” Dean huffed a bit of a laugh, and then tossed Ben a bag. “Aaaaand a quarter pounder with cheese, bacon, and extra onion for Ben.”

Ben perked up, something shifting weirdly inside him as he caught it. “How’d you know what my exact order is?” 

Dean stood there for a second, wordless, before huffing a bit and shrugging. “I’m good at guessing.”

He shoved a bag at Sam, and then walked over to the cabinet, grabbing a tiny vodka. Sam glared at him. 

“Aren’t you gonna eat?” 

“Not hungry.” Dean closed the cabinet. 

“Not h-” Sam looked like he was gonna explode. “Dean,” 

Dean unscrewed the cap of the vodka, narrowing his eyes. “What?” 

Sam glared at him, and after a beat of silence, Dean clicked his tongue. “Well, I’ll be outside if you need me!” 

With that, he got up and shut the door behind him. 

A beat of silence went by before Claire spoke while chewing her burger. “Is it just me, or has he gotten worse?”

Ben felt something stir in him again- his eyes locked on the door. He wasn’t hungry, and something in his mind screamed that he needed to talk to Dean.

He threw aside his bag, getting off his bed, and putting on his shoes. He stumbled, not tying them as he walked over to the door. Sam perked up. 

“Ah- Ben, I don’t think…” He eyed him. “I don’t think you should talk to him right now.” 

Ben stared up at the tall man, a fire sparking in his chest. He didn’t know Dean, and Sam likely knew his brother like the back of his hand, but something in his brain wanted to spit  _ What do you know?  _

“You’re right, I shouldn’t” Ben clicked his tongue, grabbing his coat and sliding it on. “But I’m gonna.” 

Sam pulled a face, but Ben didn’t stay to argue. Instead, he slipped out of the room and out into the cold. 

Once he shut the door, he saw Dean, leaning against the wall by the door, staring out into the snowy horizon- eyes squinted from how bright it was getting. Sun poured over the cold powder like paint, but blue hues mixed in as the sun lifted higher into the air- visible through the clouds. Gentle flakes fluttered in through the air.

Ben wasn’t sure how Dean looked normally, but right now, he looked like a guy who got hit by a car five times. Dark circles under his eyes, scratches and bruises here and there, and bandages wrapped around his hand- which was holding a tiny vodka. Other than that, he wasn’t putting weight on his right foot. 

He eyed Dean, before sauntering over to him and standing next to him. He could tell Dean knew he was there, and just wasn’t acknowledging him. So, he put his hands in his pockets, and let out a huff. 

“...So you hunt monsters for a living.” 

Dean was silent for a moment, not breaking his focus on the horizon line of the scenery, before exhaling and looking at his drink. 

“Yup.” He muttered, taking a sip. 

Ben felt a fire ignite in him. 

“Teach me.” 

Dean’s green eyes flickered over to Ben’s, the two connecting. Ben noticed freckles scattered about Dean’s cheeks and nose- kinda like his. 

“...No.” 

“Why not?” Ben didn’t mean to sound as sharp as he did- but he stomped his foot, staring up at the man. He was a stranger, but it didn’t  _ feel  _ like that. This was different, this was weird. Fire burned in his throat, he just wanted people to take him seriously  _ dammit.  _

Dean tore his gaze away from Ben, sipping at his vodka and then sighing. “You’re just a kid, you have a life ahead of you.” 

“Not one I want to live,” Ben replied. It sounded...darker than he intended, but he felt like he was burning up inside. 

“You got anyone? Romantically?” 

“No.”

“A job?”

“Got laid off at my part-time at a college bar before winter break.” 

“College?”

“Planning to drop out, anyways.”

Dean finally looked at him again, eying him. There was no malice in it, in fact, it was quite hard to read, but if Ben had to guess...it tasted of remorse. 

“Why do you want to go and ruin your life, kid, hmm?”

“I already wanted to hunt monsters.” Ben let his gaze harden. “No one will help me, I’m out here by myself reading lore and checking the local news.” He then stepped closer to Dean. “I want a  _ purpose  _ in life. I don’t want to be NORMAL, I want to save people. Living life knowing those things  _ exist  _ is bad enough, I want to do something to HELP.” 

He felt himself start to get worked up. “No one will teach me how- I can’t find any trustworthy resources! Last time I was left to learn on my own, I…” He felt his words lodge into his throat painfully, and he looked down, eyes flickering as if he were searching for how to word this. “...My mom died.” 

As he said those words, it seemed to finally hit him. The words in his throat caught on fire, and bite at his heart and eyes. He ground his jaw a second before he inhaled shakily. 

“My mom is dead.” He spoke in a syrupy, broken voice as a white-hot tear rolled down his face. “A-and- a-and I could’ve stopped it if I had known…”

“Ben, there's no way you  _ could’ve-”  _

“No! No, it doesn’t matter! Because those things EXIST, and those things kill OTHER PARENTS, or KIDS, even!” He felt more tears fall down his face, and he finally looked up, locking eyes with Dean, green against green. “And I want to help stop it! I want- I  _ need  _ to, those things KILLED my MOM!”

Dean’s gaze softened as he turned to face Ben, but Ben looked down at the ground as tears fell, breathing quickening. 

“Ben,” 

“And he _SMILED!_ He _smiled_ when he did it like he _ENJOYED IT!_ He didn’t care that she was screaming and he didn’t care that I told him to stop! I even SHOT him and he didn’t slow down! I need to figure out how to slow them _down, I_ _need to know how to kill them!”_

“Ben!”

“And She’s gone forever! We were supposed to get a DNA test,  _ FUCK  _ she PROMISED to get a DNA test with me today she PROMISED that it wouldn’t matter who it was and she PROMISED that she would always be there for me,  _ she was supposed to be there for me!”  _

He finally looked back up at Dean, whose eyes were wide, searching Ben up and down like he had just received shocking news, mouth parted slightly as if he would catch words, but he simply pursed his lips and exhaled. 

He set a hand on Ben’s shoulder. 

“It’s okay to be angry, Ben.” He muttered. “It’s okay to be lost, and it’s okay to be scared. She didn’t deserve this, and neither did you.”

He looked up at Ben.

_ “You did nothing wrong.”  _

Ben stared at him, eyes locked onto one another before he let out a sob. 

Before he knew it, he latched his arms around Dean, crying into his leather jacket. 

It felt  _ natural, _ like he belonged there- like he’s done this before. 

And he felt Dean wrap his arms around him, cradling the back of his head carefully and rocking him softly in place.

He wasn’t sure how long they stood there like that, but Ben didn’t care. He needed this.

  
  



	5. Riding The High Of Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes to his mother's funeral and makes the choice he's been leading up to for years. Dean has a lot of things on his mind.

The funeral was long and painful, and Ben couldn’t stand to look at anyone there.

The whole time he felt like he was looking through foggy glass, any distant relative or family friend who came up to him and gave his condolences were blurry. Everything they said was muffled, but he nodded along anyway. 

The only pricks of emotion he felt were when he had a sudden flash of her neck snapping go through his mind and the thought that he’d never hear her laugh again. 

But he shoved those down and locked them away. He didn’t want to break down.

After a few agonizing hours of speeches, funeral services, etc, he perked up when he got a text. 

**Biker Barbie:** We’re here 

_Claire._ He tried not to laugh a bit at the contact name he gave her. Kaia had called her it once and he couldn’t stop thinking about how weirdly fitting it was. 

Over the past two days, He had been staying at the motel with the hunters- which he didn’t hate at all. In fact, he kinda dug it. Claire would ramble to him about monster stuff, Kaia would make fun of shows on the shitty TV, and Jack would...well he’d be Jack. 

Sam was fun, too. Like a weird uncle. He was probably the healthiest out of them all- he went on morning jogs, he ate things like salad and healthy stuff in general, and he checked in with Ben a lot to make sure he was okay. It was a bit annoying, but he kinda appreciated it. 

Dean, on the other hand... was fun, but something wasn’t right about him.

A lot of the time, he would goof off, crack random, witty shit or talk about stupid things he’s done on a hunt. Other times, he’d get annoyed by things- which was funny, too. He knew every lyric to every Led Zeppelin song, he knew the ins and outs of his car and everyone else's, and he could name any cowboy or horror movie based on screenshots.

But he was...off. Ben didn’t know Dean well, but he knew this wasn’t how he normally was. His eyes were glazed over, he was barely eating, he was digging himself into the news for extra demonic signs, and he was always...sickly looking. 

Also, every morning, someone would walk inside with him, and he was always covered in snow. 

Besides that, though, he didn’t...mind this life. Apparently, the brothers and Jack had a bunker of their own- and Claire stayed at a cabin with a woman named Jody. Kaia had apparently moved in recently, too. 

All of them were holed up in Kansas, which Ben heard wasn’t that bad of a state. 

His phone suddenly buzzed again. 

**Biker Barbie:** Hurry up or I’m eating your fries, asshole. 

With that, Ben stood up and made his way out of the funeral home. 

He sped into a quick-walk by the time he saw the impala, and once he was over there, he was basically running. 

He popped open the door, only to see Claire in his seat. 

“Asshole, move over.”

“Fine. Jack, sit on the ground again.” 

“Why do I always have to sit on the floor?”

“Cause I’m older than you and so is Ben.”

“Knock it off, kids.” Dean spat from the front. “Jack, sit on the floor, or sit on Claire's lap.” 

Jack slouched down onto the floor, pouting, and Ben let out a bit of a laugh, Claire sliding over to the middle and Ben taking her seat. 

“How was the funeral?” Kaia asked. Ben was already taking off his tie. 

“Shit.” He grumbled. “The food there was like...annoying little shrimps.”

“Don’t worry kid,” Dean reached under his seat, and then pulled out a bag of McDonald's. “We’ve got you covered. Nothin a good ol’ Micky D’s can't fix.”

“Thank fucking god.” Ben grabbed the bag.

“Watch your fucking language,” Dean muttered, putting the car into gear. Ben couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. 

He opened the bag, digging in and shoving a fistful of fries into his mouth. Claire stuffed her hand into the bag, and Ben whined. 

“Hey!” 

“Sharing is caring, Braeden.” Claire smirked, grabbing a fistful as well and absolutely going to town. Ben glared, and grabbed his burger, unwrapping it and stuffing as much as he could into his mouth. 

Kaia let out a scoff. “Can either of you eat any faster?” 

“No.” They both replied. 

The car started driving, and Dean cleared his throat. 

“So to your house, Ben?” 

“Yeah” He muffled through his burger. He then swallowed. “I need to get a few things.” 

“So you actually wanna move out?” Sam asked. Ben shrugged. 

“Nothing else to do.”

“You could...go back to college?” 

“Okay, let’s save that talk for when we’re at the house, there's no need for me to crash the car cause you wanna Veronica Sawyer the kid.” Dean cleared his throat, and Ben was thankful for that, because first of all, he didn’t want to argue right now, and second of all, he wanted to eat his burger.

Another hand suddenly tucked into his Mcdonald's bag. 

“Sharing is caring,” Jack said, shoving french fries into his mouth. 

…

Dean pulled up in front of the house and put the car in park as he locked eyes with it once more. 

His heartstrings pulled- his once domestic, peaceful life was so far in the rearview mirror that no one but him ever thought about it anymore…

He heard the back door of the car pop open and saw Ben walking out. He walked out as well, but he wanted nothing more than to run over and ruffle the kid's hair- grab the baseball from the shed and chuck it back and forth. 

He walked by his side, when did he get so tall…? He was taller than Dean, now…

He felt a bit happy about that, actually. If he really _had_ his genetics, then he’s the height he should be. Dean was smaller than he was supposed to be because he barely ate anything as a kid, as much as he and Sammy both pretended that wasn't the case. 

Ben was raised well, he was happy and he was loved. Whether he was there or not, Ben got a normal life. 

_But I had to up and ruin it._

Swallowing guilt, he walked through the door after Ben. 

Ben looked around, sighing a bit and shaking his head, before walking over to the staircase. Dean had to bite back a laugh when he noticed he still did the stomp thing he always did when he got to the top of them. Clearing his throat, he followed up, too. He could hear the rest of the gang clamoring about. 

“This is a lovely house,” Jack spoke, looking around curiously. Dean nodded, and Ben laughed a bit. 

“Yeah, my mom worked hard to keep it.” 

“Awe, I want a house like this.” Kaia sighed. Claire let out a laugh. 

“In this economy? No.” 

Dean followed Ben through the halls, pretending like he didn't know each room. He gave a small smile watching the kid open his room- the door still had a _Rockers Only!_ sign on the front, as well as a _Ladies are Welcome._

The inside of the room was different- more mature than before. One of his old Pokemon posters was replaced by a _very_ lovely poster of a woman with a very _generous_ bikini on, and there were a lot more rock posters. Also, it stunk like ax body spray. 

Claire, Kaia, and Jack were exploring down the hallways, and Sam peeked his head in, exchanging a look with Dean. 

Dean jerked his head a bit to point out the door, and then made a gun shape with his hand, before making a fist. 

_She has a gun in her room, get that._

Sam nodded, heading out, and Dean looked to Ben, who was going through his stuff.

“You grabbing anything cool?” 

“Clothes, mostly.” He spoke. “And books- and other stuff, y’know the drill.” 

“Uh-huh.” Dean’s eyes caught onto an orange container on Ben's bed stand. “What is that?” 

Ben looked up to Dean, tilting his head a bit, before turning and seeing what he was talking about. 

“Oh! That's my Adderall.” 

“Adderall?” 

“Yup.” He snagged the bottle and shoved it into the bag. “... I've been planning to go off it after college, though, and I've kinda gone cold turkey for the past two days...I'm just gonna use the rest of the pills to wean myself off.” 

Dean furrowed his brows. “What’re you taking _meth_ for, Ben?” 

Ben blinked at him. “I have ADHD.”

“...what?” 

“Yeah,” Ben shrugged, going through more of his clothes. “Found out when I was like...12 I think. It was after a teacher noticed how often I lost track of assignments.” 

“...well, everyone's a little scatterbrained, even Einstein lacked some marbles.” Dean shrugged, remembering how he used to do that, too. Ben laughed. 

“No, there's more to ADHD, like hyperfocusing and RSD.” 

“Like _what?”_

“Hyperfocusing- think about having an interest, but it just kinda consumes your mind and how you think _constantly,_ and you do everything you can to research more about it or find content with it.” Ben looked at him for a moment, before going back to packing. 

“...I mean, is it really an interest if you...don’t do that?” Dean shrugged, leaning against the bed stand. “...what's RSD?” 

“Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, people with ADHD have emotions that are way _stronger_ than others.” Ben walked across the room, grabbing some stuff from a drawer. “Emotions are physical, like an insult feels like actual pain and sticks with you for _weeks._ Not to mention things like guilt or fear of being abandoned or rejected- aka the name for it. You do anything to avoid it, you kinda become a people pleaser.”

Dean stood there for a moment, stunned in silence. Everything Ben was saying just...resonated with him. 

“...huh.” 

Ben looked at him. “Sound familiar?” 

Dean didn't know how to respond, and Ben laughed a bit. 

“Don't think I haven't seen how you act. You’re just as fidgety and distracted as I am, Dean. So is Claire and so is Kaia.” 

Dean flinched a bit. “Woah, I don't think I have-“ 

“You don't have to think anything, I'm just saying, you might not know about yourself as much as you'd think.”

…

Sam entered Lisa’s room after a while of searching and pacing about. 

_If i were Dean, and i wanted to hide a weapon for the love of my life, where would it be._

He stood a moment longer and knew exactly where it was. 

He walked over to the closet, opening it up and walking inside- and looking at the shelves. Being unusually tall had its perks- such as not needing to stand on his toes to find the shotgun hidden behind a shoebox. 

He scoffed a bit, thinking about how Dean did the exact same thing for Cas. 

_“Dean, i won't need this.”_

_“You don't know that, okay? I wanna make sure your room is safe like ours. You can full-on The Cab a bitch who breaks in. Think of it as a precaution, or a prop from tombstone...though technically this model didn't exist back then-“_

Sam tucked the weapon into his backpack, closing the latch over it and then walking out of the room. 

It was hard to believe Dean really _lived here._ His stupid, rough-n-tough brother- he wondered if that's why he started nesting the second they got the bunker. 

Sam tried not to think about the fact that he knew, he _knew_ all his brother wanted was to be safe, was to live without fear, and with the ones he loved. He's wanted that since he made that demon deal when he was 27. 

This morning he found him out in the snow again- this time in the parking lot. It was surprising because he _locked the door_ that night- not to mention, Dean had the keys on him, and he knew he did, too. It was like he was aware while sleepwalking.

_What is going through your head? What aren't you telling me?_

He knew Dean was grieving, and now it probably just got worse after watching Lisa die. 

They'd all seen the loves of their lives die, but this was back to back, and Dean had known both these people for years. 

_I wish you'd tell me about how Cas summoned the empty._

He realized he was sitting there for a bit too long when he heard the sounds of clanging and banging from downstairs. 

He broke into a quick-walk, long legs easily jumping over gaps in the steps as he skidded to a halt in front of the entrance of the kitchen- only to see Claire, Kaia, and Jack goofing off and holding...was that charcoal? 

“Dare you to eat one,” Claire smirked at Jack, who blinked. 

“They've probably been out for days.”

“They're still cookies, Jack.” 

“Okay!”

With that, Jack took a bite of the violently burnt _cookie_ and made a face. 

Sam raised a brow, and let out a bit of a laugh. 

“Can you guys settle down? This isn't your house.” 

“I don't know any of you.” Kaia shrugged. Claire grinned. 

“Were hunter kids, Sam. What do you expect?” 

“I _expect_ you to be polite when at someone else's house. You aren’t barn animals.” He huffed out a laugh, walking in. “Are those actually cookies?” 

“Yes, they are.”

Sam turned to see Ben walking over, brows a little furrowed. Dean followed him, gazing around.

“They uh- I just can’t really bake.”

“I can’t either, kid.” Dean huffed a bit. “I can cook a mean burger, though.” 

Sam gazed at the two. Dean didn’t tell him much about his relationship with the Braeden's other than he loved them, but he knew that they were never sure if Dean was truly Ben’s biological father. Looking at them next to each other as adults, though, Sam felt like he was gazing directly at his brother when he was 22. 

Ben was rounder in the face than Dean, though, and only had freckles on his nose. His hair was around the same shape, maybe longer, but it was black, like his moms. He was also taller than Dean- almost as tall as Sam, around 6’ 4”. If Sam hadn’t sprouted an extra two inches in college, he and Ben would be the same height. Ben also seemed to have a little bit of bow legs- not nearly as bad as Dean’s, though.

The most striking feature, however, was their eyes.

Ben had the exact same shade of green as Dean did. 

When he stared through them, however, he saw light. He saw what his brother's eyes still barely held onto with cold, bruised little fingers like his life depended on it- no matter how many losses, how many beatings, how many bumps in the road.

Sam struggled to remember what Dean looked like when he was real little, but he’s always struggled with those little sparks in his eyes. He wasn't sure when Dean lost his innocence, but he knew he should’ve been learning the differences between UpperCase and LowerCase letters instead. The light was always getting dimmer and dimmer, flickering a bit as Dean reignited the fuel with alcohol once he turned 14, but it was always _there._

Until he came back from hell.

It was just...gone, replaced with heavy bags under his eyes that could make a raccoon jealous. He lied about how he didn’t remember Hell, and Sam almost kicked himself in the head for believing it- cause he was too damn busy with all that Psychic Crap to even notice how his brother wouldn’t sleep until Sam did- and when Sam pretended to, he’d witness Dean flinching or waking up multiple times to get a swig of the strongest drink he could get. Once he DID know, it all just spiraled worse and worse, and Sam probably didn’t help by going behind his back repeatedly or calling him weak. God, he still regretted that. 

He regretted a lot of things he’s said to Dean, actually. While he’s been pissed at him before, he never really noticed how much he did for him, how much he loved him, until he became a demon.

So...Sam knew his brother well- and he knew that the light in Dean’s eyes only seemed to really, _truly_ spark when Cas was in the room. 

God, he missed that light. 

So, seeing Ben, wide-eyed, shaking from loss but still hopeful? It felt like a stab to the gut.

He realized he had been wandering off in his mind, Dean talking about ingredients to one of his Meat Man burgers, and he cleared his throat. 

“So,” 

They looked at him.   
  
“...You sure you want to be a hunter, Ben?”

Ben looked at him, his green, hopeful eyes glistening- hardened with determination. 

“More than anything.”

Sam swallowed a bit and shook his head.

“Kid, you could go to college, still. You could fall in love with someone and get a job, get a house, have a family. Anything but a life like this.” He looked into his eyes, sighing. “This job can get you killed in the span of a week.”

Ben stared Sam dead in the eye, walking over to him and glaring all intense- just like Dean does.

“If I go down saving people, then it’s _worth it.”_

…

It was their last night in the motel room, and Dean was back in his dreams again.

He bolted upwards almost immediately, seeing Cas and trying to run after him, but Cas seemed to be just out of his reach. 

“HEY!”

No response. 

“For ONCE could you just STAY you SONOFABITCH?”

Cas wasn’t listening, in fact, he was walking out of the motel again.

Dean propped himself up against the door, and shut his eyes, knowing what was coming next.

The pain never stopped feeling as shitty as it did. He almost found it ironic, the whole glass ankle thing...Like he himself was made of glass.

“Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” He wheezed out into the freezing air. Cas was standing under a street light, staring at him through a band of static. “That I’m made of glass? I’m WEAK?” 

Cas didn’t respond, as usual, and Dean let out a rough, garbled laugh as he stopped leaning against the wall. 

Cas seemed to go anywhere he wanted during these like he just wanted to avoid Dean or something. There was no pattern. This time he was heading out into the street.

“I’m not.” He wheezed out, dragging his ankle behind him. No matter how much it hurt, how on fire it was, he focused on Cas- only Cas. “I’ll fucking bite my own goddamn FOOT off if it means catching up to you, you ASSHOLE.”

Cas stared with the same, staticy eyes, and Dean let himself lean against a car in the parking lot. 

When he saw him, it only made him angrier. His hand had started to leak blood, too, and he felt glass pricking through the bandages. 

Static and glass, static and glass.

He broke into a cackle. 

“Is this some fucking GAME? Huh?” He shouted. “I don’t even know if you’re Cas, some monster screwing with me, or some FUCKED UP psychological problem, but I do know ONE thing.” 

He was close- just five feet away. 

He stopped just outside where the light from the lamp shone on the sidewalk. 

“I’m never letting you go again.”

Cas didn’t answer, he just stared. 

Before he walked into the road- cars zipping by.

He didn’t get hit- but he stood in the middle, staring down Dean.

Dean stared back. 

“I meant what I said, Cas”

He took a step towards the road. 

_“Dean.”_

“I’m not letting you go.” 

_“DEAN!”_

He was grabbed by the back of his jacket, and suddenly, the world spun as he came to. 

He was in front of the road, a semi honking LOUDLY as it sped by him. All he could do was huff, staring at the stars above and realizing Cas was nowhere to be seen.

The world was still spinning, and he felt his legs give way, but he was dragged back, and laid down on the snow.

He blinked a few times, blurry gaze being hard to look through, and noticed Sam.

Yellow and green eyes wide and worried. 

His ears were ringing, and everything was still coming back into focus, but he could tell what Sam was saying. 

“WHAT THE HELL?!”

Dean groaned a bit, wanting to up and pass out on the snow right there. Everything was still spinning, and everything _sucked._

He wanted Cas there, god he wanted Cas there. 

Sam started to say more to him, but he could barely hear. He just closed his eyes. 

_I didn't get to say anything back to him._ His heart felt like it was getting clawed at by a wild animal. _I didn't get to say anything at all._

He wanted to see Cas’ big, blue puppy eyes more than anything right now. 

He felt Sam prod at his face. He ignored it. 

He remembered showing Cas some of his favorite old horror movies. 

_“They make the blood out of ketchup and corn syrup.”_

_“That sounds messy and smelly.”_

_“Yeah, but looks cool, right?”_

Just...explaining stupid things to him, fun facts or background lore he’s been scrounging up since he was a kid, going on tangents and analyzing all the characters. 

He remembered showing some cowboy movies, too. 

_“Don't you want to live free, Cas? Out in the wild, away from responsibilities?”_

_“...sounds nice.”_

_“I want that, Cas, I want to be happy like that.”_

He felt something get caught in his throat. 

Cas died from being happy. 

_Cas died from being happy._

How was this life? 

He wanted to watch old, shitty horror movies with him again. He wanted to watch cowboy movies with him again. He wanted to talk in depth about cars for hours on end only to later listen to Cas explain the cycle of bees- something he could absolutely care _less_ about normally but was genuinely interested in now that the words came from Cas’ mouth- fuck, hed actively put in research about bees just to crack jokes about them with Cas, just to see him smile, just to heat that tiny little laugh. He wanted to touch him, play with his tie, ruffle his hair to annoy him, jokingly place his hand on his shoulder and go _“Cinderella, its a perfect fit,”_ again because every time he says it it makes Cas roll his eyes and smirk in that way he does. 

God, he missed the little weirdo, _god he missed him._

He missed him with every heartbeat, every step, every blink and swallow. He missed him each time he saw a blade of grass and a drop of snow. He missed him, holy shit he missed him. 

If anyone deserved to live, it was Castiel.

He opened his eyes, and his senses returned to the present. 

Sam was knelt down next to him, eyes still round with worry. 

Dean rolled over onto his side. He was freezing, but he was burning. 

“It should've been me.” He rasped finally. 

Sam's gaze softened. 

“Dean…” he swallowed. “... what's going on?” 

…

It was bright and early, and they were indeed driving. 

Ben was sitting in the back, crammed with Claire and Kaia- Jack laying on the floor of the car. 

“Hey, um,” He cleared his throat. “Isn't...isn't that dangerous?” 

The care was silent for a moment, before Dean exhaled, tapping at the steering wheel. 

“Ben, if you're rooming with us, you ought to know something about Jack.” 

“...and that is…?” 

They were quiet for a moment longer, before Sam spoke up. “...He isn't human.” 

A jolt of shock went down Ben’s spine as his eyes darted to Jack. 

“Wh...what are you?” 

“Nephilim!” He shrugged, then he furrowed his brows. “...well, kinda. It's confusing now...but this won't hurt me! I promise!” 

“Trust me, we wouldn't really endanger a kid's life,” Dean spoke. 

“Dude,” Sam glared at Dean. “GPS said to turn _left.”_

“Fuck the GPS.” Dean focused on the road. “I don't give a damn. I know what I'm doing, and I want to get back home ASAP. Robots can kiss my ass like I'm Will Smith.” 

Ben thought about how insane this kinda was. He was on the road with complete strangers- one of which wasn't human, and he was planning on living with them. 

A concept like that seemed crazy, but with the Winchesters...it felt weirdly easy. He felt like _this_ was his blood, not rotting away hitting bongs in college for some shit piece of paper. 

Sam and Dean continued to bicker in the front seats, random brother shit, and he felt Claire nudge him to show him a stupid meme. 

Yeah, he liked this life. 

“So, Jack,” Ben looked to the ground. “What cool stuff can you do?” 

…

“See? What'd I tell you? WAY faster route!” 

“You're an idiot.” 

They entered a motel room, and Sam and Dean were still bickering. 

Jack went into the bathroom, not saying a word, and Ben stormed for one of the little vodkas in the fridge, to which Dean snapped to attention. 

“HEY! Not for you!” 

Ben glared back at him, pulling a face. 

“Dude, I’m 22.” 

“This isn't some _party,_ Slash, I'm not dealing with your hangover in the morning.” 

Ben frowned at him, and Claire smirked, walking over to the fridge. 

“Don't even _think_ about it, Duff.” 

“You're no _fun.”_ Claire groaned. 

Jack walked out of the bathroom. 

“Demetri is finally home!” 

Sam put his head in his hands. 

…

When Dean woke up, he got ready to storm Cas again. 

But this time, surprisingly, Cas was sitting on the side of his bed. 

He slowly turned to face him, still static, and Dean felt himself boil over. 

“What do you _want?”_

Once again, he heard a weird, frankensteined sentence made of his own voice, words he's said before. 

_“Clean up your mess!- Forgive- yourself- dammit- we can fix this!”_

Dean was frozen in place, staring at Cas. 

Then, the ringing started. 

Blasting, _screeching-_ Dean had to cover his ears. He knew he was dreaming, but he still was astonished as to how everyone else could sleep through this.

He didn't know for how long this went on, but eventually, he snapped into consciousness in the exact same position. 

… 

Sam stayed up this time, watching Dean with a laser-sharp focus. 

His sleepwalking was getting more dangerous, and since he told him _why_ he's been sleepwalking like that, he's been damn curious to understand it. 

_“Why don't you just...stay in bed?”_ Sam had asked him _“If it hurts so bad, and if you keep getting hurt?”_

Dean had stared at him when he asked that, glaring. 

_“I can't let him leave again, Sam.”_

Dean knew Cas was dead, but Sam was starting to get really, really worried for him. 

Now, Sam has seen people sleepwalk, he has experienced himself doing it, even- he was little when he did it, Dean always getting up from bed to guide Sam back to his with a glass of water, but the way Dean acted here… 

Dean sat up, eyes wide open. Sam sat up, too, watching Dean, waiting for him to get out of bed, but...he didn't this time. 

He stared at something that wasn't there. 

_“Dean?”_ Sam whispered. Dean didn't respond, and Sam knew he was still... _dreaming._

Dean stared for a while, until suddenly, his hands flew up to the sides of his head like he was hearing something he didn't want to- and he was _grimacing._ He opened his mouth as if to say something, but _nothing came out._ Like he was miming it. 

Eventually, his body seemed to untense- his glazed-over eyes flickering back into focus as if he woke up. He lowered his hands, looking around. 

_“Dean?”_ Sam whispered again. This time, Dean looked at him. 

“Y-yeah?” 

“Was that-“ he blinked. “Did you…” 

Dean narrowed his eyes. “Go back to sleep, Sammy.” 

Sam rolled his own eyes, sighing and laying back down, but still keeping a watch on his brother. 

Dean sat there for a moment, before getting up and walking to the fridge- grabbing one of the tiny vodkas and walking back to the bed to sit down and sip at it. 

_Your hangover._ Sam thought to himself, shutting his eyes. 

He just felt lucky that Dean could drive with both his hands behind his back and a blindfold on if he wanted to. 


	6. Hope you can hear me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben gets introduced to the bunker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO!!! NEXT CHAPTER IS GONNA BE A CHRISTMAS CHAPTER!!! :D The rest of this fic wont be holiday themed i swear.
> 
> I also painted a scene from last chapter!: https://randomgooberness.tumblr.com/post/638333567031738368/last-night-at-4-am-i-got-the-sudden-uncontrollable

With a rather annoying headache, Dean stepped up to the cabin, twirling his keys in his hands as he knocked on the door- to which an explosion of barking tumbled from behind the door. 

He could feel a small spark of serotonin, and the door opened to reveal a golden, fluffy face. 

“There he is!” Dean cheered, opening his arms for Miracle to leap into. Jody sauntered up by the doorframe, leaning against it and crossing her arms. 

“How’d the hunt go?” 

“Well, we killed two demons, exorcised one,” Claire spoke up from behind Dean. She had her duffel bag hefted over her shoulder, walking into the house with Kaia behind her- who gave Jody an “okay” sign, to which Jody chuckled at gave her a pat on the shoulder. 

“Miracle give you any trouble?” Dean looked up finally, cradling the over-excited dog in his arms. Jody chuckled. 

“Not more than usual, he's a smart dog,” Jody replied. “The only problem is Donna can't keep her hands off him while baking.” 

Dean let out a small laugh- that's right. Donna and Jody recently retired from their life of being cops to run a bakery- mostly due to Claire begging them to but also because they had already wanted to. 

Also, Jody wanted an excuse to spend more time with Donna. 

“You make a move, yet?” Dean quirked an eyebrow. 

Jody sighed dramatically.  _ “Dean.”  _

“I'm just sayin'- I could train Miracle to trip her so you can heroically catch her in your arms like James Bond or whatever and-“ 

“And that's when you LEAVE.” She shoved at his chest, earning a laugh from him. “Go on, shoo.” 

Dean chuckled, taking a few steps back and then turning to leave. 

“Alright, alright. Thank you for watching him again.” 

“Thank  _ you  _ for watching Claire and her girlfriend.” 

With that, she closed the door, and Dean sauntered back over to the impala, placing Miracle into it through the back window. 

“Incoming delivery!” 

He heard Jack make a squeal of excitement- and Ben start laughing out of confusion. 

“A dog?” 

“His name is Miracle!” Jack replied, vigorously petting the golden, scruffy dog. “He's a good boy.” 

“You guys have a dog!?” Ben exclaimed. 

“He lives in the bunker with us- though when we go on hunts he stays with Jody.” 

“We took him in about two months ago,” Sam spoke up from the passenger's seat. 

“He's more or less  _ my dog,”  _ Dean spoke as he got in the driver's seat, shutting the door behind him. “I just share him with everyone.” 

Sam still shook his head. “Still surprised you let that thing in the car in the first place.” 

Dean nodded a bit, smiling to himself. He never expected to get a dog, either. Since he had a face-to-face with that hellhound when he was in his 20s, he’s had a bit of fight-or-flight instinct with dogs in general- though he would never admit that, so he pretended to just hate them. 

Miracle, though- he saw him after thinking everything was gone, he saw his sad little eyes and felt something unlock in him. 

Since then, Miracle has been his little buddy, goofing off with him those two weeks he was trying to fake being fine, helping nurse him back to health after the hunting accident...Miracle was  _ his  _ dog. 

“Nah, he's our little miracle.” He chuckled, reaching back and ruffling his dog's fur. 

…

When Ben heard the Winchesters talking about The Bunker, he hadn't expected a full-on under the ground with a 1000 pound door and technology from the 50s bunker. 

“Holy shit,” he breathed. Dean let out a bit of a laugh. 

“Cool, right?” He cheered. “Mi casa, tu casa. C’mon, I'll give you the tour.” 

Dean walked past him, bag over his shoulder and Miracle by his side as he trudged down the stairs. Sam walked inside with Jack, who climbed onto the railing. Ben blinked at him. 

“What’re you-“ 

Jack hopped off- diving feet-first to the floor below. 

“NO-“ 

Ben tried to reach for him, adrenaline jolting through his ribcage as he lashed out his hands, but Jack was already falling. 

He landed evenly, feet planted on the ground as he smiled up at Ben. 

“ _ Dammit _ , Jack! I told you to stop doing that!” Dean called once he got to the bottom of the stairs. “What’re you, Daredevil? You're gonna crack the fuckin’ tile!”

“Yeah, I think you scared all the blood out of Ben,” Sam huffed out a laugh, patting Ben’s shoulder. 

Ben took a moment to remember: Jack isn't human. 

“...I-I  _ totally  _ knew he'd be okay.” 

“Sure.” Sam walked past him. Ben furrowed his brows. 

“I did!” His face went from pale-white to red. He followed Sam down the stairs. “...just not right away.”

…

“And this is the kitchen, AKA where we eat, fiesta, and sleep.” 

“I've never slept in here in my  _ life.”  _ Sam snorted. “That's all you, dude.” 

“Yeah, well the tile is nice here.” Dean laughed a bit, pretending that all the times he's fallen asleep in here were on purpose. 

“Do I have to sleep in here?” Ben grimaced. Dean let out a laugh. 

“No, no. We have a few guest rooms.” He clicked his tongue. “You can take the one next to Jack.” 

“Oh, Dean that one hasn't been cleaned in a bit, why doesn't he take-“ 

“No.” 

Dean's half-cheery attitude was immediately hardened into a cold rage, his green eyes locking with Sam’s heterochromatic ones. 

He knew what Sam was going to say, and he was  _ not  _ letting anyone go in Cas’ room. 

There was a beat of silence, and Dean cleared his throat a bit. 

“I'll just go clean the room, spit-shine where I can, you keep Ben on the grand tour of the nest.” 

He walked out of the room, giving Ben a solid pat on the back before storming down the halls. 

He started to pass by the threshold between his and Cas’ room and stopped in his tracks. 

He looked at the door. 

Part of him begged for it to suddenly open, Cas walking out from the inside and giving him that stupid smile he always gives. He could almost feel the pressure against his eardrums as he imagined his voice. 

_ “Hello, Dean.”  _

He's never,  _ ever  _ wanted that “hello” to turn into a Goodbye. 

He swallowed his grief, trudging forward to the empty room near Jack’s to clean it. 

…

“This is my room!” Jack chirped, leading in Ben. 

Wall to wall, it was scattered in Star Wars posters, some taped up candy wrappers, and pictures of smiling faces. The floor had lots of little sorted bins and baskets- one of which was a large bin of legos. On his bed was a laptop and a few stuffed animals- including a Marvelous Marvin the Talking Teddy of all things.

“Uh...Wow, yeah it’s uh…”

Ben clicked his tongue a bit, nodding at all the stuff scattered about. 

“It looks cool, Jack- uh, by the way,” He cleared his throat, watching Jack walk over and sit on his bed. “...When I asked how old you were…” 

“...You want to know if I’m actually a three-year-old.” Jack looked down a bit, nodding. 

“...Are you?”

Jack huffed, clicking his tongue, and then looking up at Ben. 

“Well, yes! But I was this size after I was born.” Jack rocked on his bed a bit. “...And I understand a lot of adult things, I’m just…”

Ben swallowed. “...You’re a three-year-old.” 

Jack shrugged. “Sometimes I feel like I’m living an adult life as a child, but sometimes it feels the other way around…” He spoke. “...I had to grow up fast, to protect myself- because my life was dangerous from the start...but I never got to be a kid.” 

Ben felt a pang of sympathy. Was that why the Winchesters treated him so softly? Was that why he was so...youthful?

_ How could a kid who had everything ripped away from him since the moment he was born...be so...kind still?  _ Wouldn’t he throw some sort of cosmic tantrum? Ben felt like he would if he were in his shoes. 

“...Normalcy is boring, anyways,” Ben spoke. “Trust me, out of everyone in this bunker I probably had the most normal upbringing- and even then it’s far from it. To think of being born into a peaceful life with no challenges is ideal, you’d have to be naive.” 

Jack sat there for a moment and then nodded. 

“You’re right.” He smiled softly. “...Cas always said I was special.” 

“Cas?” 

Jack looked up at him, beaming. 

“My father,” He stood up, striding over to one of his walls. “His name is... _ was  _ Castiel.” 

He gently traced his hand over a taped up photograph, and Ben recognized some of the faces- Sam, Dean, Jack...but there were two other faces he didn’t recognize. 

“That’s Mary right there.” Jack pointed. “My grandma, Sam and Dean’s mother.” His eyes shone a glimpse of sadness. “She was good, you would’ve liked her.” 

Ben nodded, eyeing her. She had the same eyes Dean had- candy green, and the same freckles, too. Blonde hair curled over in front of her face, and she had Sam’s smile. Something told him that if she were still alive, she would fight tooth and nail to protect her boys. 

He looked over to the man next to Dean- who had an expression of a lost puppy. Black, messy hair, stubble, a messy trench coat, a blue tie, and wide eyes that were strikingly similar to Claire’s and Jack’s.

“Who’s that?” 

Jack smiled. “That’s Castiel...my father.” He looked like just thinking about him made him full of cotton candy. “He was my adoptive father- his vessel was Claire’s father and after he died Cas took her under his wing, too.” 

Ben nodded, only sort of understanding, but trying to nonetheless. “He looks kind.” 

“He was.” He nodded. “...He was an angel.”

Ben nodded and noticed something about Dean he didn’t pick up on.

He had no memories of ever seeing it, but it felt familiar to him. 

A certain spark in his eyes, something that broke through the constant glazed-over look he tended to have, and he was looking directly at Cas, arm wrapped around him.

“...His death seems to be hurting Dean.” 

“It’s hurting all of us,” Jack nodded. “...But as Cas told me once, Dean and him shared a  _ profound bond.”  _

_ Profound Bond.  _ Ben echoed in his head. Something about that hit harder than it was supposed to- loving someone is one thing, but the idea of feeling connected at the very  _ soul… _

Ben just lost his mother, but he couldn’t imagine losing someone like that. 

…

“Okay, this is where you’ll be staying.” Dean opened the door for Ben, who stepped inside, peeking around trepidatiously. “I got rid of all the spiderwebs and dust, and I gave the bed fresh sheets and blankets.” 

He watched the kid walk inside, gazing around and setting his bag down on the bed. 

“It’s a cool-ass room if you ask me.”

Dean let out a laugh. “Yeah, all ya need is some zeppelin posters, maybe some Kansas, and maybe,  _ maybe  _ a few bikini pics.” 

“Shut up.” Ben snorted. “...You really mean I can stay here?” 

Dean blinked at him and shrugged. 

“As long as you need, kid.” 

Dean didn’t want his son to be a hunter, but he sure as hell wanted him to be safe with it if he was- and...he kinda wanted to reconnect. 

A huge part of him screamed not to- because he planned to die soon, anyway. He didn’t want to break the kid's heart. 

But the other part of him wanted to spoil Ben, make sure he’s happy, he’s safe and he’s thriving, because that’s  _ his kid, dammit.  _

“Hey, Ben?” 

Ben perked up from the bag he was unpacking. “Yeah?”

“Uh...Later, you wanna go get... um…” He cleared his throat. “You see, hunters kinda need to...guard themselves...away from demons.”

He pulled down his shirt a bit, revealing his anti-possession tattoo. 

Ben stared and then nodded. 

“Yeah, sure! I’ve always wanted a tattoo.” He then laughed a bit. “You think the chicks dig it?”

“I can assure you, from personal experience, chicks  _ dig it.”  _

Ben laughed. “Awesome.” 

…

They were driving back from the tattoo parlor, Ben laying dramatically in the back as he held an ice pack over his pec. 

“Ow…” 

“C’mon, it’s not that bad, just a little pec-pokage.” Dean pat Ben’s chest from the driver's seat, to which Ben gasped and started laughing, smacking Dean’s hand. 

“You should’ve seen how  _ Jack  _ first reacted to the tattoo.” Sam chuckled. Jack straightened up in his seat. 

“Uh oh.” 

Dean started laughing, and Ben perked up in interest. 

“What happened?” 

Sam let out a laugh. “See he- he was only a few days old, so he didn’t have ANY control over his powers.” 

“Sam…” 

“So- so he felt the needle  _ once, _ and FLUNG the poor guy ACROSS the room.”

Dean started laughing harder, smacking his steering wheel. Jack had his head in his hands. 

“...I know how to  _ not  _ do that now.” 

Ben started laughing. “You flung a whole man because of a tiny little needle?” 

“I wasn’t used to feeling things yet! I had only been shirtless ONCE before that and that was when I was just born!” 

“And you tried to ask a pirate cut-out if it was your dad?” 

“DEAN…” 

Ben started  _ cackling.  _

…

Dean sat alone in the kitchen, drink in hand as he sipped away, hoping for the alcohol to take away some of his awful, awful nerves so maybe he’d get tired.

He checked his watch. 

3:30 AM. 

He sighed, sipping at his beer. 

He’d normally be doing this in his room, maybe even laying down, hoping for it to take down his nerves, but he was too restless for that. So he sat in the kitchen, leg bouncing as he listened to the quiet atmosphere of nothing. 

At least, he did, until a sasquatch stumbled into the kitchen, sleepy-eyed and confused. 

“...Hey.” Sam rasped. Dean swallowed one of the drinks he was taking, huffing out a bit. 

“Hey.” He muttered in return, staring at his hand. Sam shuffled about to the fridge behind him, grabbing a cup and filling himself a glass of water. 

“You’re still up?”

“Yup,” He pronounced the ‘p’ harshly. Sam let out a sigh, setting his glass of water down and sitting on the other side of the table. 

“What’s keeping you up?” 

Dean furrowed his brows a bit and shook his head. 

“I dunno, something probably having to do with the kid being in the house.” He muttered. 

“...Well you didn’t get up last night, and the night before you only sat up and stared at nothing.” 

Dean felt something sink in his chest. 

“Uh, yeah...confession time?” 

Sam stared at him, and he continued. 

“I didn’t get a wink last night.” 

Sam blinked. “Why  _ not?”  _

Dean shrugged, eyes wide. 

“I dunno! I just...couldn’t.” He gestured with his bottle of beer, shrugging. Sam scoffed a bit. 

“You could’ve told me, Dean, I would’ve driven the rest of the way home.” 

“No, I was fine.” 

“Were you?” Sam eyed Dean. “...Dean, are you?”

Dean stared back at Sam, pursing his lips a bit.

He then sighed, placing his head in his hands. 

“...What do you want me to say, Sam?” He finally huffed, shrugging. “...I want to be happy for everyone, trust me, I do, but…”

Sam blinked. “You lost Cas and Lisa.” 

Dean shook his head, one hand falling onto the table flatly and the other rubbing at his face. He heaved in a breath and exhaled shakily. 

“They’re dead  _ because  _ of me, Sam.” 

“No.” Sam glared at Dean. “Cas- Cas willingly called the empty, right?” He continued, despite a dangerous fire starting to spark in Dean’s guts. “And Lisa- you  _ erased her and Ben’s memories  _ to protect her! You did  _ everything you could, _ Dean!” 

“She’s still dead.” 

“But she lived long enough to raise Ben!” 

“Alone.” Dean grieved. “Without any help, because I…” 

He paused, words getting caught in his throat as he looked up. Sam eyed him, jaw clenching a bit before he looked over, too, and saw Jack standing in the doorway. 

“...Dean,” He spoke slowly. “...Can you please tell me the truth about Ben?” 

Dean sat there, jaw setting off edge, and he heaved out a sigh, grabbing a chair and pulling it out for Jack to sit down. 

“Only if you swear not to tell another soul.” 

…

It was nearly 5 in the morning, and Dean found himself a little tipsy, still teary-eyed, and stumbling to his room.

After he and Sam told Jack the truth, the two went to their own rooms, going back to sleep while Dean silently mourned to himself. He finished two more bottles, and half a vodka, managing to actually feel something from it. 

He stumbled through the halls, and was about to walk into his room, but looked at the room across from his.

_ Cas.  _ His heart cried.  _ Goddammit, Cas.  _

He stumbled inside, ripping the door open and shutting it behind him.

God, it even smelled like him- like honey, flowers, and bread. He didn’t know why Cas smelled like that, but he had to assume it was because Cas fucking  _ loved  _ the outdoors. 

His room was immortalized, just as it was before he left. He wanted it to be perfect for him if he ever came back. 

_ He won't. _

The only thing that changed was a jacket on his bed- the jacket Dean was wearing when Cas died.

It still had a bloody handprint on it, and it was the last piece of evidence Dean had that Cas ever existed. 

He felt grief well up from his chest, to his throat and eyes, hot tears filling his face as he stumbled over to the bed. The alcohol he drank felt warm, and the grief he felt was white-hot, but his shoulders were so, so cold. Cas’ absence was so grossly physical it hurt. 

He felt himself flop down onto the bed, and he stayed there, not wanting to get up.

Finally, he shut his eyes, just for a moment. 

When he opened them, he saw him. 

Cas stood there, face static once again, his body outlined in blue and stars as he stared at Dean. 

“Don’t leave.” He sputtered out. “Please don’t leave me, Cas.” 

Cas sat down on the bed. Dean couldn’t move, and he didn’t know if it was because he was too drunk, or he was too emotional. Syrup filled his throat as he licked the roof of his mouth, tears spilling onto his jacket. 

“I miss you.” He grieved out loud. “Fuck, I miss you so much, Cas.” 

None of this was real, but he needed Cas to hear him. 

“I hope you can hear me, man.” 

Cas wasn’t looking at him.

“I hope you can hear me.” 

Dean blinked, and suddenly, Cas was gone. 


	7. Christmas Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Special!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! I'm really not someone who likes to celebrate on main, but I've been feeling a little sentimental recently so here we are! It's 11:28 PM on December 25th, I worked hard to upload this "on time" so here you go!

Dean’s insomnia had been getting the worst of him, making him need to drink at late hours of the night to get even around an hour of sleep, but at least he wasn’t chasing Cas around anymore. 

Bad news was, it was Christmas eve, and he was a mess. 

He hadn’t shaved in a good bit- and he hadn’t cut his hair in a few months- both of which he was usually on top of, being depressed doesn’t mean he can’t be sexy as hell during it, but…

...nothing felt like it was worth it anymore. 

“...That’s it.”

He cleared his throat, standing up from his bed. They needed to be at Jody’s in roughly five hours and he was a  _ mess.  _

So he sauntered over to Sam’s room- who was looking through his closet and deciding what to wear. He perked up, seeing Dean.

“Oh, uh- hey.”

“Hey.” Dean rasped. “...You struggling?”

“...I can’t decide if I should go with a red vest or not…”

Dean quirked an eyebrow- Sam  _ never  _ fretted about what to wear, unless…

“...You invited Eileen?” 

“Jody said I could!”

Dean let out a laugh. “Cool. Red vest, she stares at you more when you wear red.”

“Thanks.” Sam grabbed the vest from his closet and looked to Dean. “What do you want?”

Dean stood there in the doorway for a moment, fidgeting with his hands at his sides. 

“...I need you to insult me into cleaning myself up.”

Sam stared, and he sighed, shaking his head. 

“...No, Dean, I’m not gonna insult you into cleaning yourself up when it’s not your  _ fault  _ that you’re too drained to.” 

“...Please?”

Sam stared at Dean, a beat of silence going by before he shrugged. 

“...You look like shit, go shave.”

“Be more creative.” 

“You look like Dave Grohl.” 

Dean let out a loud, disgusted groan, stepping out of the doorframe and heading to the bathroom. 

“Gross, thanks.”

...

Ben packed like... _ one  _ good Christmas outfit and that was a shitty, green vest- not even dress pants to match, just ripped jeans.

Jack, meanwhile, was fidgeting about the kitchen with Ben, wearing the biggest, ugliest sweater he’s ever  _ seen. _

“Can that thing... _ be  _ more obnoxious?” 

“Yes!” Jack perked up, and tucked his hands under the bottom of the sweater, searching about until there was a  _ click!  _ And it  _ lit up.  _

Ben sat there for a solid three seconds before breaking into screaming laughter. 

“THAT'S SO STUPID!” He screeched. “JACK THIS LOOKS SO  _ DUMB  _ I  _ LOVE IT.”  _

Jack, meanwhile, the bastard, had on a purely smug face. Ben wheezed. 

“Claire is going to kill you.” 

Meanwhile, Miracle padded into the kitchen, wagging his tail and looking up at the boys, which meant Dean must be nearby. 

“Hi, Mira!!” Jack cooed, bending over and ruffling his fur. “Who's a good boy?! Who’s a good boy!?” 

He looked around a bit and slid a dog treat out of his sleeve, giving it to him. Ben snorted. 

“That’s cheating, Jack.”

“What is?” Jack asked innocently. “I’ve never cheated in my life!”

Miracle let out a  _ Boof!  _ And Dean suddenly tucked into the kitchen- cleaned up and wearing a robe. 

“Oh, look who’s all shaved!” Ben cooed, smirking. Dean turned his head, blinking slowly at Ben like he was already drained, but he smiled. 

“Yeah, decided it might be time.” He muttered, shrugging, and opening the fridge. Ben looked down- he hadn’t really seen Dean in anything less than socks, a t-shirt, and jeans at least these past few days, so he hadn’t noticed the brace before. 

“What happened to your ankle?” He asked. He knew it was probably injured at some point, he’s seen Dean avoid putting weight on it multiple times, but he’s never asked. 

“Hunting accident two months ago.” He replied, not looking back at Ben as he grabbed some eggnog. “Vampire snapped it into pieces. I got a wicked scar there, now.”

“Huh,” Ben replied.

Dean sniffed at the eggnog, shrugging and pouring himself a glass.

“Hurt like a bitch, but I got it fixed up.” He said. “You’ll have to see the scar someday when this thing isn’t biting at me.”

“It still hurts?” Jack asked, blinking up at Dean- who shrugged. 

“Injuries both old and new tend to cramp up when it’s cold.” He replied. “My shoulder still does, too.” 

Ben and Jack exchanged a glance, before looking at Dean. 

“Shoulder?”

Dean took a sip of the eggnog, closing the fridge and nodding as he set down the cup. 

“Dislocated it after a three-story fall from a church with Sam. Kid got some wicked scars, all I got was coughing up blood and a shoulder out of the socket.” he then threw on a smirk. “Never healed correctly, but watch what it can do because of it.” 

With that, Dean set foot on a chair, grabbing his shoulder firmly with his hand, and then tugging.

There was a sickening  _ pop,  _ and both of the boys flinched as Dean let out a laugh. The thing looked  _ broken.  _

“THAT’S SO COOL!” Ben cried. Dean beamed, shoving it back into place with another loud  _ pop.  _ Jack tilted his head. 

“Is that healthy?” 

“I dunno.” Dean shrugged. “Helps for distractions on hunts, though.” 

There was loud stepping from the hallways, and Sam walked in, clearing his throat. 

“Dean, are you doing the shoulder thing again?” 

“Yeah?”

“Gross.” Sam placed a cup of tea down on the table, and Dean snickered a bit. 

“Awe...you and Ben kinda match.”

“I’d  _ never  _ match the Squach.” 

“The what?” Sam asked, but everyone ignored him. 

“You just need a little bowtie!”

“Gross, just to spite you-” Ben unbuttoned some of the buttons on his undershirt, giving him more of a rock-ish look. Dean laughed. 

“Yeah, you’re fuckin killing it.” He nodded. “Tell you what, I’ll grab my ugly sweater to match Jack.” 

“Oh, wonderful!” Jack lit up. “That sounds fun!” 

“It really isn’t-” Sam sighed. “The only ones he owns all have alcohol jokes on them.” 

“That's not true,” Dean replied. “I have my reindeer one.” 

“You're  _ not  _ wearing that one.” 

“Is it the one with the one on top of the other?” Jack blinked up. Dean started laughing, offering up a high-five, and Jack gladly taking it. Ben felt like he was gonna die thinking about dean Winchester wearing a sweater with two reindeer having gay sex. 

…

Dean walked out of his room, a crappy, green ugly sweater that said “where's the eggnog!?” On the front in a festive font. 

Sam was in the library, brushing his hair- but he quickly dropped the brush as Dean walked in, to which Dean laughed. 

“You looking pretty, Samantha?” 

“I have long hair! I need to brush it.” He gestured with his hands, laughing a bit, and then gestured to Dean. “Speaking of, when was the last time you cut your hair?”

Dean shrugged. 

“Uh- well, the whole  _ god  _ thing happened, then...then the ankle injury, uh…” he shrugged. “I usually cut it myself, but uh...I dunno.” 

Sam gave Dean a piteous look, which he loathed. 

“Man, I just don't feel like it, okay?”

Sam shrugged. “If you say so.” He then added, “I'm gonna tie it up in a bow when you pass out drunk tonight.”

Dean shot daggers. “You wouldn't.” 

Sam laughed. “I would.” 

“Bitch.” 

“Jerk.” 

Jack walked into the library, eying both the brothers, followed by Ben. The golden-haired kid tilted his head. 

“Why do you guys say that to each other?” 

Sam and Dean exchanged a look, and Sam shrugged. 

“Uh- I dunno, we kinda started it when we were kids.” He shrugged. Dean nodded. 

“I think it was cause Sammy started yelling back when I called him a lil bitch.” 

“Yeah, you were being a  _ jerk.”  _

“Bitch-“ Dean automatically replied, and then he lit up. “Haha! See?” 

Ben laughed. “I've kinda always wanted a little sibling.” 

“Well, you have Jack,” Sam shrugged, gesturing to Jack, who smiled. 

“I have two older siblings!” 

Ben grimaced. “Claire is  _ not  _ my big sister, I  _ refuse  _ to be the middle child.” 

“Too late.” Dean shrugged. 

“Y'know, technically  _ I'm a _ middle child.” Sam shrugged. Dean let out a laugh. 

“You  _ wish,  _ you little infant. _ ”  _

“Are you talking about Adam?” Jack tilted his head. Sam nodded. 

“He's too busy with Michael nowadays,” Dean spoke. “Think he and the missus will stop by for Christmas?” 

“Dude, our brother is  _ not  _ dating Michael.” 

Dean shrugged. “He could be,” 

Sam shook his head, and Dean clapped his hands. 

“If you  _ had  _ to pick...which archangel would you marry.” 

Sam let out a row of laughs, and Jack made a face. 

“I'm leaving now.” 

The blonde kid turned and walked out of the room, and Dean gestured with his hands. 

“Answer, Sammy, C’mon.” 

Sam crossed his arms, huffing in thought, and then sighed. 

“Gabriel.”

Dean started  _ howling _ . 

“Gabriel.” He agreed. “Only sane one.”

“I wouldn't say he's  _ sane.”  _ Sam shrugged. “He just doesn't wanna kill us.” 

Ben fazed at the brothers. “Wait...archangels like...from the bible?”

“Yup.” Dean looked at Ben, who looked like he was just hit in the face. 

“And...you've  _ talked  _ to them?” 

“Fought each of them at least once,” Sam said. “...Gabriel is the only one whos nice to us.” 

“Hey, Michael is  _ kinda _ cool,” Dean said, then grimaced. “...this universe Michael, at least.” 

“Universe?” 

“That's enough teaching you about our backstory for one day.” Sam cleared his throat, standing up and grabbing the book he was going through. Dean shrugged. 

“There's a lot of stuff you don't know about us, Ben. My advice is to stop being surprised by it all.” 

…

The impala started with a kick, a Dean put her into gear as he pulled out of the garage. Miracle sat nestled between Ben and Jack, the latter smothering him with his face. 

“Uh- Ben- the people that’ll be there are all friends, I promise,” Sam spoke up. “Jody is...uh,” 

“She's like the mom friend,” Dean spoke. “She's kinda like a punky nun at an orphanage with guns, She adopted Claire and Alex, but she mothers everyone she can get her hands on.” 

“Okay...who's Alex?” 

“Claire's adoptive sister, she's a nurse, but she knows her way around hunting,” Sam spoke. “Then there's Patience, who's also been staying with them. She's been trying to get a grasp on uh...Psychic stuff.” 

“Psychics are real?” 

“Very,” Dean responded. “Most we met were good, but there's a few bad eggs we’ve had to waste.” 

“What about the cartoon guy?” Jack spoke up. Dean laughed a bit. 

“Nah, he wasn't aware that we were doing any bad mojo in the first place. He's happy now.” Dean couldn't help but wonder how Jack knew about that case and felt his heart sink a little when he realized Cas must've told him about his first time hunting. 

“Oh, there's also Eileen-“ Sam spoke up, to which Dean let out a laugh and patted his brother's shoulder. “Dude, shut  _ up.”  _

“Whos Eileen?” Ben asked. 

“His girlfriend.” Dean cooed. Sam smacked the back of his head. 

“She uh-“ he cleared his throat. “She's a hunter, a damn good one, actually...uh...she's deaf, so unless you know sign language make sure to look at her when speaking.” 

“Oh, okay.” Ben nodded. “I'll make sure to do that.” 

“There's also Donna,” Dean spoke. “Real sweetheart, not at all a hunter but she and Jody are close pals. She  _ can  _ hold her own in a hunt if she wants to, though. She's like a gremlin, though instead of feeding her after midnight it's threatening her family.” 

“Gotcha.” Ben nodded. “Anyone else?” 

“Should be it,” Dean replied, focusing on the road. He lifted a hand, counting with his fingers. “Just remember; Jody the Mom, Alex the Nurse, Patience the Psychic, Donna the Sweetheart, and Sam's girlfriend Eileen.” 

“You're an asshole.” Sam huffed out a laugh, grinning and shaking his head. 

… 

Despite being told they were friendly, Ben was surprised to see the door open to reveal a joyful, excited face of a woman greeting the brothers, opening her arms for a hug. Both of them accepted the embrace as she lifted a wine glass. 

“Hey! So glad you guys could make it!” 

She was middle-aged, maybe mid-40s or 50s, silver streaking her pixie-cut hair. She had on a red shirt with a green jean-jacket and some dress pants. Whoever she was, she was very butch. 

“Yeah, yeah of course!” Sam smiled. Dean cleared his throat. 

“Jody- this uh- this is Ben!” Dean gestured to Ben, who suddenly felt odd now that the attention was on him. “He uh- he was the kid Claire helped rescue on the hunt. He's kinda the new baby hunter.” 

“Nice to meet you!” The woman, Jody, lit up, offering a handshake. 

_ Oh, the mom.  _ Ben took her handshake, smirking up at her. 

“Hey! Ben Braeden, and I  _ swear  _ I'll be a better hunter before you know it.” 

Jody laughed. “I'm sure you will! Come in, you five- Jack! Hey!” She side-hugged the blond, ruffling his hair. “Ohh and there's Miracle! Who's a good boy?” 

Ben wandered in the house, gazing around curiously. It was certainly a rustic house- very  _ homey.  _ The wooden walls and floors spoke of unheard-of nostalgia, and the items scattered about sparked in personality. 

He hadn't expected hunters to be so...loving. 

Sam practically  _ charged  _ towards the other end of the room, skidding over by a short woman with black hair- and she looked like she could be  _ crushed _ by Sam- who looked at her like the situation was vice versa. His wide, heterochromatic eyes sparkled with the excitement of a puppys as he rapidly moved his hands, and she perked up, hugging him and laughing. 

_ That must be Eileen.  _ Ben stared.  _ Sam seems so happy around her… _

His thoughts were interrupted when he received a big  _ slap  _ to the back of his head. 

“Hey,  _ dweeb!”  _ An all-too-familiar voice spat. 

Ben turned around, letting out a laugh as he recognized Claire. He couldn't help but notice she was wearing a red dress with a black leather jacket over it. 

“Hey!” He cheered out, matching her grin to his. “I was wondering where the trouble was!”

“Here I am, baby!” Claire shrugged her shoulders as she lifted her arms, and then waved for Ben to follow. “Cmon, lemme show you the kid's table.” 

She began to walk into another room, and Ben followed, speaking. 

“Kids table?” 

“Well, we all share a table but the young adults tend to isolate a little.” Claire shrugged. “Only  _ kid  _ here is Jack- anyways it was just a figure of speech. C’mon.” 

Ben let himself be grabbed by the wrist and dragged through the house- a round, cheery middle-aged blonde woman waving casually from the kitchen as they headed out into the backyard. 

There stood Kaia- and two other girls Ben didn't know.  _ Must be Patience and Alex.  _

Ben was suddenly aware of Jack behind him when he spoke up. 

“Hello, Alex! Hello, Patience!” 

The two ladies lifted their hands in greeting, the black-haired drinking from a mug and giving a peace sign while the taller waved nervously, giving a soft smile. 

“Hey, Jack!” She said. Jack ran over, beaming. 

“Patience! Have you unlocked any cool powers yet?” 

Patience gave a laugh, shaking her head. 

“No, Jack. I just see visions, remember?” 

“Dean says that psychics can do more than that!” Jack smiled. “Your grandma did a lot for them!” 

She nodded, smiling. 

“We’ll see, but for now, it's still no.” 

_ Wow, these two girls are pretty.  _ Ben felt his cheeks heat up a bit. He cleared his throat, walking over and practicing his good ol routine. 

“Hey! You two ladies must be the Alex and Patience I've been hearing plenty about.” He raised a brow, smirking, and put out a hand. “The names Braeden, Ben Braeden, the  _ newest  _ hunter in town.” 

The two girls exchanged a glance, and Alex started laughing, much to Ben’s dismay. Patience, however, gladly shook his hand, smiling. 

“Its nice to meet you!” 

With that, her eyes seemed to widen a bit, as if she was noticing something. Ben cocked his head to the side. 

“...anything wrong?” 

She blinked, and then shook her head, taking her hand away.

“Nope!”

“He's the kid we saved in Indiana,” Claire spoke up, crossing her arms. “He's making a fool of himself right now, but I  _ promise  _ he's chill.”

Ben grinned awkwardly, shrugging and shoving his hands into the pockets of his torn jeans. Okay, maybe they’d be harder to hit on than normal ladies- but they were really, really cute...Alex seemed unimpressed, but Patience was smiling at him, her soft hair falling in front of her eyelashes. Ben wondered if they were cold out here- breath in the air leaking from their soft-looking lips. 

“Sooo...what do hunters do for fun on holidays?”

…

Dean gladly accepted the beer Jody handed him, perking up immediately. Miracle laid in his lap all cozy as he stroked his blond little head- his own little heater. 

“Ah- thank you!” He flashed his teeth in a grin, twisting the cap off and immediately taking a swing. Jody sat down, smiling at him. Sam and Eileen had gone to help Donna in the kitchen, it was just them and Miracle. 

“Of course. How’re you doing, Dean?” 

Dean looked at her, feeling a flash of nerves pulse through him before she continued. “Your ankle, I mean.” 

Dean swallowed, clearing his throat. “Uh- good. The ol’ war injury fixed, y'know? No longer Dave Grohl in the broken leg throne.” He laughed a bit- remembering what Sam called him earlier. “Only a bit sore now, but I can cope. Got a brace on for it.” 

Jody nodded, pursing her lips a bit and staring at him. 

“...There a reason you took in a random kid?”

Dean blinked at her. “I could ask you the same question.” 

“Cause  _ you  _ couldn’t, and  _ I  _ had experience.” 

“I do, too! I helped raise  _ God!”  _

Jody let out a laugh, sipping at her mug of eggnog and setting it down on a coaster on the coffee table. “So...what’re you, an orphanage, now?”

“God no,” Dean shrugged. “...I’d just...rather that kid doesn’t break his neck trying to learn by himself, y’know? He needs an Obi-Wan.” 

“You have  _ no  _ connection to him,” Jody snorted. “...Do you?”

Dean swallowed, shrugging. “No.”

“Then why him- out of  _ all  _ the other hunter kids you’ve come across?” 

Dean swallowed a bit and shrugged. Jody let out a sigh. 

“...How’re you doing? Mentally, I mean?”

Dean scoffed. “Fine, why?”

“Cause you finally shaved after going months without it, the grey you try to hide with dye is showing back up again, and your eyes look like you were punched by two pro wrestlers aiming to vegetablize you.”

Dean shrugged, looking away and sipping his beer. “I’m fine, Jody.” 

He felt her eyes burning into him, she knew he was lying, but he wasn’t about to argue with her about it right now.

He lowered his voice. “You make a move on Donna yet?”

She shot a glare. “Dean.”

Dean shrugged, and she let out a groan. “Look, I dunno if she...swings that way.”

Dean eyed her. 

“Miss Mills,”

“I don’t  _ care  _ if you insist she’s making- making  _ goo-goo  _ eyes at me, there’s NO way to know if she…”

She trailed off, and Dean raised a brow.

“You sure about that?”

Her eyes widened. “Dean,” 

“Miracle, get up,” Dean spoke- his dog immediately bouncing to his feet and staring up at Dean all excited-like, and Dean got up, striding towards the kitchen, despite the stage whispering of  _ “no!” _ ’s coming from Jody.

He walked in, leaning against the wall and smirking. Donna and Sam turned to look at Dean, as did eventually Eileen- all of which were doing different tasks. Donna lit up. 

“Heya, pumpkin!” She chimed, staring at Dean. “What can I do for ya?” 

“Yeah, I have a question.” 

“Shoot!” 

He could tell Jody was cringing. “Whats your thoughts on uh, y'know...gay rights.” 

Donna blinked. “I’m pansexual, Dean.”

Dean felt satisfaction light up in him. “You’re dodging the question.” 

Donna laughed, shoving him out of the room. 

“Of  _ course,  _ now go back to waiting for dinner, I  _ know  _ you’re just here to get a lick of gravy.” 

“You got me,” Dean put his hands up in surrender, backing up. “I’ll go wait patiently like a good little boy, Ma’am.” 

“You better!” 

Dean turned back, walking into the living room and  _ beaming  _ at Jody, who looked like she was gonna blackout. 

“Problem solved!” 

…

Dinner was fun, Ben decided. 

Everyone was obnoxious, but it was loving, it was kind. 

There was a good while where Dean was bullying Sam and Eileen, making jokes about “Sammy I  _ swear _ if you move out with her into some apple pie home i'm going to make your room a second Dean cave- and I'm using your college fund for a pool table” to which Sam cracked a response of “NEITHER OF US HAVE COLLEGE FUNDS” and  _ that  _ conversation slowly turned into Eileen teaching Dean how to cuss out Sam in sign language. Ben made sure to take notes on that. 

Claire and Kaia were being  _ violently  _ PDA, Alex forcefully gagging at them and Patience laughing softly to herself at the interaction, reassuring the couple they're fine- which she absolutely didn't even need to because Claire was offering rude gestures to Alex from across the table- which was making Kaia lose it. Jody and Donna, meanwhile, were smiling and chatting softly, and occasionally bashing everyone else younger than them. Jack was feeding Miracle under the table, trying not to get caught, which was funny because Dean was doing the same thing. 

They had some pie, and then they all settled down for the night, Dean huffing a bit and putting on his coat. 

“Alright, well, it's been a blast, but it's time for us to head home.” 

Jody tilted her head, grinning and letting out a bit of an  _ awe,  _ laughing. 

“I would argue, but Jack is falling asleep on the couch right now.” 

“Hm?” Jack perked his head up from one of the cushions, and Sam let out a laugh, turning to Eileen. 

“Be seeing you,” he muttered while signing, and kissed the top of her head. She let out a soft laugh and signed back. 

“Whenever you'd like.” 

Dean let out a fake gag, but he was  _ beaming  _ at them. Ben could tell he was  _ infinitely  _ happy for his brother. 

Then he turned to look at Ben. 

“Are you ready to head out?” 

Ben looked at him, smiling. His feet hurt, he was a little funny from eggnog, and he was happy. 

“Yeah!” 

…

It was Christmas morning, and Ben woke up to Jack in his doorway. 

“Jack?” He rasped, rubbing his eyes. “What're you...doing here?” 

“It's Christmas morning,” he blinked. “Do you want to be there for presents?” 

Ben let out a bit of a laugh- Jack was so... _ childish,  _ it was endearing, really. 

“Yeah, sure.”

He stepped out through the bunker with Jack, seeing Sam and Dean sitting there, drinking eggnog and goofing off with each other. Dean turned to see them and perked up. 

“There's the kids!” He cheered, grabbing two wrapped presents. “Cmere, we have gifts for you.” 

Jack ran over, again, much like a kid, excited- and he very gently took his present, and sat down at the table, waiting patiently. Ben strode over as well, taking his gift. 

“You didn't have to get me anything,” 

“We wanted to,” Sam spoke. “...well, Dean wanted to.” 

“Shut up, Sam.” He handed the gift to Ben, and sat down, sipping at his eggnog. He then clicked his tongue. “Go ahead, you two. Open them.” 

Jack, receiving that command, began to tear into his present excitedly, and lit up, grinning like a 6-year-old. 

“Animal crossing!” He cried out, eyes wide with joy. Sam let out a laugh.

“You  _ really  _ wanted it.” He spoke, to which Jack nodded.

“Claire showed me it!” He chirped. “I hope I get Stitches, he’s my favorite…”

Ben breathed out a bit of a laugh, and then carefully unwrapped his present.

Behind the colorful wrapping, revealed a bound set of comic books- a full volume set of  _ Cthulhu Tales.  _

He felt a rush of nostalgia, scanning over the comic books and grabbing one out of the sleeve to skim through it, eyes running over all the pages as he let out a breath of disbelief. 

“I used to love these as a kid-” he laughed, shaking his head. “How’d you know?”

Dean shrugged. “I’m good at guessing.” He spoke. “...And I saw one of them in your room- I figured you might want something to hang onto.”

Ben felt his heart soften, something fluttering in his chest.

This whole time, he had desperately been trying not to think about his mother- his past life at  _ all.  _ He was trying to strip away every memory he ever had and forget about it to become a hunter, and here was Dean, pulling back the curtains to reveal his inner kid. 

Dean, the mysterious man who stared at Ben like he’s known him for years, who treats him like family and who seems to instantly know so much about him...tired smile, glazed over emerald eyes, finally shaved stubble, hair that's grown to the point where he could notice nearly white roots, eyebags that could be luggage...He hid himself in a cocky attitude and an exterior that he wanted to read off as a  _ hardened killer,  _ but something told him this man loved unconditionally, unapologetically, and endlessly. With every poke and prod and jab at anything, a twist of helpless, childish love was paired with it.

He was like his mom, in a way. Never asking for anything else, just loving unconditionally. 

_ You would’ve loved her.  _

He sniffed a bit, smiling up at Dean. 

“Thank you, I love it.”


	8. Va

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets dreams again. Ben trains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO EVERYONE, I'M NOT DEAD! I've actually been working my ass off on this fic, and I'm stocked back up on chapters! I need to stock up a little more, but basically, I'll just update when I can! I have animatics and a webcomic I work on as well, so I'm very busy, but I still very much love this story! 
> 
> This fic is named after the song Va from the beginner's guide soundtrack, and it can be heard here: https://youtu.be/eRFj6IS4HqM

Dean knew this was a bad idea.

He knew going to sleep happy and tired was an awful,  _ awful  _ idea because he woke up there again.

For nearly a week now, every time he went to sleep, he could feel Cas sit on his bed, whispering to him in his own words, a fever dream if you will, but now, suddenly, he was wide awake.

Letting himself fall into a deep sleep woke him back up here, and it was a mistake. 

_ I told Sammy I’d stop.  _ He swallowed. Cas was in his doorway, staring at him through static. 

“What, Cas,  _ what?”  _ He breathed out, rubbing his face. The world was tilted, and every yellow light was turned blue. Something was deeply, deeply wrong with whatever place his mind made for him, and he hated how hellish it felt. 

Cas kept staring and took a step back. 

“Oh, no you don’t,” Dean growled, lifting his covers and throwing them off of him. He stomped his feet onto the ground, storming over to Cas. “This is  _ my bunker.  _ If you’re gonna make me chase you around in it, I ain’t losing.”

Cas took another step back, staring at Dean through that static again. Dean grit his teeth, seeing Cas back up in the hall. He set a hand on the doorframe and stepped out-

Only to hear the glass shattering again.

He hissed in pain, and shook his head, forcing himself to walk towards Cas still. 

“Why are you leaving!?” He cried out, feeling like his heart would tear in his throat. He leaned against the bricked walls of the bunker, the ragged sides of it scraping at his skin- but he didn’t care. All he saw was Cas.

...But this time, Cas kept looking back to him, stopping and waiting for him to catch up before continuing down his path again. 

This was different- Cas was different, this time... like he was guiding him. 

“Cas,” He choked out. “Where are you taking me?”

Cas didn’t reply, but through the static Dean knew Cas’ gaze would’ve been soft. 

_ He loves me. He loved me. That gaze was always made of love and I was too stupid to see it.  _

Cas continued walking, and before Dean knew it, he saw the trench coat standing in the kitchen of the bunker.

It was lit up blue, eerie- with the light flickering, but Dean swallowed, walking in- his ankle was throbbing and he was leaving a blood trail, and crimson leaked from his nearly scarred-over hand.

He took a deep breath and braced himself as he walked in, expecting the worst.

Instead, there was a soft click, and the lighting changed. 

A warm, yellow light- alike to how it normally was...but...warmer, softer and speaking more of nostalgia. Dust particles littered the air as he gazed around- vision slowly coming into focus as if it was too bright when he knew it wasn’t. 

He heard what sounded like a soft pillow being thrown- and looked down, only to see his ankle heavily bound in soft fabrics and bandages, the crevices of which were decorated in flowers, caring to mark and recognize every little detail, trying to heal what was broken not only with what it needed, but what felt nice. 

The soft scent of spices and steam signified someone was making spaghetti, kinda like the type his mom used to cook when he was real little- before she retaught him the recipe and he could perfect it when she came back. 

He was surprised to hear his own voice.

_ “Cas, could you help me set the table real quick?” _

There he saw Cas- the static was only covering his eyes, now, but the angel offered a small smile that Dean could  _ see,  _ he could  _ see it for the first time in forever  _ and he nearly broke.

But hearing his voice was truly what wrecked him. 

_ “Of course, Dean.” _

It was like a gut-punch. He felt himself fall to his knees, staring at himself and Cas- so...domestic. 

“I remember this,” He rasped, swallowing. “It- it was when he was with us during the whole...Amara thing, before Lucifer took him...he was staying at the bunker and I-” He felt a lump form in his throat, eyes getting misty. “I-I made a room for him, and started spending as much time as I could with him- it- it was sort of an apology for how...for how I acted during…” He shook his head.

He didn’t know if Cas could hear him- he knew that the Cas he was following was now happily setting the table with Dean, who was  _ beaming.  _

He started laughing, and Cas looked to him, tilting his head- and Dean knew behind that static he was squinting like he always did. 

_ “What’s so funny?”  _

_ “I just…”  _ Dean shook his head.  _ “I dunno, watching you set the table is kinda funny... I mean, what, two weeks ago you were acting like a rabid dog and getting tortured by other angels...now you’re being so...domestic. It’s...It’s nice.” _

He paused for a moment, before biting his lip and shaking his head. 

_ “God, it’s good to have you back, Cas.” _

Cas put on a small smile, giving a gentle nod. 

_ “Well, I’d rather be here setting the table with you than fighting with Heaven, Dean, you know that.” _

Something snapped like a rib inside Dean’s chest.  _ He was in love with me here.  _

His past self nodded, smiling. 

_ “I’d rather have that, too.” _

Dean felt white-hot tears roll off his chin and splat onto the floor, and he decided to stand up as his past self walked out of the room to get Sam, not sparing him a glance. 

“Cas,” He breathed. “...Why’re you doing this?” 

Cas stood there for a moment, back turned to Dean, before he gazed over- static staring through him. 

Once again, his voice was not his own- but Dean’s. 

**“To- Learn.”**

Dean snapped awake, and he was standing in the kitchen.

…

Ben felt himself tumble across the floor, skidding to a stop and groaning as he tried to get up.

Footsteps stomped towards him, and an outstretched hand entered his view. 

“You alright?”

Ben squinted, looking up to see Dean, and letting out a bit of a rough laugh, taking the hand and standing up. 

“Yeah,” He shook out his hair a bit. “It’s just hard to stay upright like that.”

“You need to learn how to balance,” Dean instructed. “Don’t hesitate, choose what foot you’re sticking your guns to and hold your place. You’re bigger than me- you can easily hold your own if I shove you, you’re just hesitating.” 

Dean and Ben had been training in hand-to-hand combat all day, and  _ boy  _ if it wasn’t a workout. Ben felt like he’d collapse after just half an hour. 

“Okay, Okay,” He huffed. Dean let out a laugh.

“Need a break?”

“No,”

Dean glared at him. 

“...Okay, maybe just a little.” 

Dean then let out a laugh, patting his shoulder and walking over to the bench in the training room, taking a set- Ben sat down next to him. 

“Y’know, when I was your age, I knew all this stuff like the back of my hand.”

“Well, we can’t all be born perfect.”

Dean eyed him. “Me knowing that stuff wasn’t really a good thing.”

Ben blinked, and Dean continued. “I should’ve been being a kid growing up, and learning how to fight later if at all. I’m saying you’re in your prime to learn this stuff, and that if you’re a bit slow that's okay. Not everyone can crack out perfect shots like Tyler Durden when they’re starting.”

Ben stared at him for a moment, before letting out a bit of a huff. 

“I guess,” 

“Tell you somethin’,” Dean cleared his throat. “the only thing I've ever nailed the first try...was shooting a gun.” 

“Oh yeah?” Ben laughed. “And when are we gonna try that?” 

“Don't screw with me, kid.” Dean shook his head. “I  _ know  _ you know how to shoot- I've heard you brag to Claire about it.” 

Ben scowled, silently cursing his big mouth. He wanted to impress Dean. 

Dean smiled. “I still wanna see your skills.”

Ben started  _ beaming.  _ “Uh- yeah! Okay!” 

…

Sam was pleasantly surprised to see Dean actually  _ cooking  _ again. 

He walked into the kitchen, expecting to have to assemble some shitty, healthy-adjacent meal for himself, and instead, he caught Dean in an apron, steaming up the room as he added spices to something in a pot, Miracle sitting by his ankles and wagging his tail. He could smell spaghetti. 

“You're making dinner?” He let out a huff of disbelief. Dean turned to look at him and shrugged. 

“I had a long day of showing Ben some basic 101 stuff, I decided I might as well, I dunno, cook something actually nice?” He shrugged, and then screwed up his face. “Can’t a man cook for his family?” 

Sam shook his head, shrugging. 

“Of course, it's just…” He trailed off for a moment. “It's been like...two months since you've even touched any of this...I'm just happy to see you back to it.” 

Dean stared at his brother for a moment, and Sam could tell what was flickering through his eyes. 

_ This is just temporary, Sammy. I expect to shatter at any moment but my head is above the water for a sec and I want to fill my lungs.  _

“Yeah, well, I was craving spaghetti, so no salad tonight for you, you Land Before Time reject.” 

Sam laughed. “Alright, fine.” He started to head out, but paused, looking back to say; “Hey, by the way, you realize that lactose-free eggnog you've been buying is more expensive than the normal stuff, right?” 

A spatula was thrown his way, shooting through the door, and Sam let out a cackle before walking back to the library. 

…

Something was familiar about the spaghetti Dean made the bunker for dinner, but Ben pushed that thought away and filed it under  _ “Dean is weird”.  _

He did, however, go back to his room to blast Led Zeppelin in his headphones- only to suddenly be locked with his own thoughts, no matter how loud he turned up the volume. 

God, he missed his mom. 

Every time he thought about her- he desperately grabbed at the neck of the thought of  _ ill never hear her laugh again  _ and threw it out- replacing it with hate and anger for that  _ thing  _ that killed her. 

…

Dean woke up in the blue lighting again and saw Cas standing in his doorway. 

Without a word, he stood up, striding towards Cas as Cas ducked out of the room. This time, like last time, it felt more like a friend  _ showing him something,  _ not someone he loved trying to escape. 

When his ankle shattered, Cas paused, looking at him through static as Dean struggled for a moment to regroup, and then continued to walk down the hall, leading Dean past the kitchen this time- this time to a very familiar room. 

Dean actually  _ laughed,  _ leaning against the wall and bleeding out. 

“Why’re you bringing me to the  _ Dean Cave?”  _

He couldn't see Cas’ face, but he knew there was a smirk on it as he turned back to look at him, and then continue walking. 

They walked into the room, it feeling grossly unsettling from the outside- blue and flickering, but as Dean stepped in, it changed once again. 

Purple lighting with some orange...the TV was playing an old cowboy movie and the room smelled like burgers and popcorn. 

His ankle was once again, wrapped, and once again, he heard his own voice. 

_ “Cas, could you set the popcorn on the table?”  _

He saw himself and Cas- and Cas was walking about, gently setting a bag of popcorn on the table between the two recliners. His past-self smiled, setting down two plates there as well- freshly made burgers on them. He strode over to the bar of the cave- which was still a work in progress and grabbed two bottles of beer. Cas let out a small laugh. 

_ “When’re you going to show this room to Sam?”  _

His past-self shrugged.  _ “Eventually.”  _

Dean realized that the TV was an old, boxy one- one he found at a flea market for ten bucks. It was before they got the giant flat, and considering the giant, stolen stop sign wasn't hung up yet, this was probably not long after Mary came back. 

There was a lot Dean was working with back then, and a lot he was worried about, but he remembered being so... _ happy.  _

And it was probably because Cas was there by his side, a perfect ally and perfectly himself. Not Lucifer,  _ himself _ . 

_ “You know, Dean. I find it odd that you won't show this room to your brother. You aren't embarrassed, are you?”  _

_ “Of course not, this room kicks ass.”  _ Dean shrugged.  _ “I just...I dunno. I kinda wanna have a few quiet movie nights with you, first.”  _

Dean stared and realized something. 

In this flashback, his eyes were covered by static, too. 

“I was blind,” he rasped, blinking. “I was blind to myself and to you.” 

He suddenly snapped awake, and he was in the Dean Cave. 

…

The next day at training, Ben was tossed across the room again, and felt weak,  _ tired.  _

“C’mon, Ben!” Dean shouted. “You can do better than that! Let's go!” 

Ben shook his head, standing up and staring Dean down. Green staring into green. 

“Be the hero!” 

Something in Ben clicked, and he realized...all that anger he felt, all the hatred towards the thing that killed his mother...

He was so focused on impressing Dean, and the thought of training with him- when, in a real-life scenario, he would be fighting a monster. 

Black eyes flickered through his mind, and a fire ignited. 

_ He killed her in cold blood, and she didn't deserve it. This isn't about me, it's about stopping him- him and the rest of those freaks. _ Each of them- he wanted to rip them  _ limb from limb  _ to avenge his mother. Her murderer was dead, but he wanted to make a message clear:  _ there will be blood used to pay for my mother's death.  _

And that goal started here. 

He let out a shout- charging for Dean as hellfire coursed through his veins, and he only heard the laugh, the  _ laugh  _ of the man killing his mother. The smell of burning skin from the point-blank shot in the shoulder he delivered doing NOTHING to slow down that bastard. His feet bolted across the concrete floor as he charged. He grit his teeth, and landed an impact. 

And it worked- Dean was thrown off his balance, and he stumbled back, looking genuinely shocked as he hit the floor. He skidded to a stop, panting a bit and letting out a huff of pain- shaking his head a bit, disoriented, and then looking up to face Ben, light from the ceiling shining over his shoulders and shading his face.

Ben huffed, gripping his fists to his side and staring down Dean, green into green, and for a moment, Dean’s expression was unreadable. 

But then he was beaming, and then he let out a  _ laugh.  _

“That was great!” He complimented, standing up and giving Ben a hearty slap on the shoulder. “Nice job, kid!”

Ben stared at the hand, huffing, and feeling fire still kindle in his chest. He looked back to Dean. 

“Let's go again.” 

…

Sam walked in to see Ben manage to land a solid hit on Dean, who backed up rapidly and let out a laugh. 

“There ya go!” He cheered. He then blinked, looking over at Sam. “Heya, Sammy!”

“Hey,” Sam replied. “Working hard?” 

“I was about to stop us for the day.” Dean shrugged, standing up. “Kids getting good, I’ll have to move him to the punching bag- unless I wanna go hunting with a few broken ribs.” 

Ben beamed, grinning and staring over to Sam- who felt a rush of cold shock.

Ben’s eyes still had the same light in them, but it had dulled and sharpened with something Sam knew well.

A thirst for revenge. 

Sam licked the roof of his mouth awkwardly and then gave Dean a nod.

“Sounds great.”

“I could go for a movie night,” Dean stretched out his sore arms. “Ben, wanna see the  _ Dean Cave?”  _


End file.
